(Who is this masked man working the door at my neighborhood bar????)
Once a week I tell people about how cool being a bouncer is and beg people to be my facebook friend. But sometimes I don't want people to know who I am (I get tired of autographing all the DD tits). One thing you may notice, many doormen change their looks constantly.
This isn't because we're fashionable folk. I have many sets of clothes that are exactly the same except for the color (who likes variety?) No, it's because bouncers are kind of like superheroes. We need to hide our identity from time to time.
Case in point. Some kid decides to grab my waitress girlfriend's ass. I proceed to beat his. Fast forward a week and I run into this kid again. Only instead of being my usual badass self, I'm at Target with my mom as she helps me walk on crutches since I've recently blown my knee. This kid might have recognized my red hair, chinstrap beard and jet black t-shirt. But, like the genius I am, I'm wearing red pants, a shaved head and a smooth goatee. Disaster averted. I don't get the shit kicked out of me in front of my mom. Which is nice.
But this strategy isn't just for avoiding getting our asses kicked at the mall. Sometimes a hot girl will come in, and shoot you down. Maybe she doesn't like Coolwater cologne, fauxhawks and rhinestone cowboy boots. So you put on some English Leather aftershave, buy a ponytail wig and some brand new yellow Crocs and hope that hot chick will see you in a different and better light.
Or maybe your boss is making you watch a video of you drinking the bar's booze on company time. You're shaved today, but have facial hair in the video. You can always say, "You see, that guy has a goatee. That's my evil self from the Mirror Universe." Anybody who knows Star Trek knows that anybody with a goatee is obviously an evil impostor—and believe me, you'd be surprised how many bouncers can quote Star Trek verbatim from The Original Series to Deep Throat Nine.
Fret not. For even normal people can pull off disguises. You'll notice that bank robbers always have some weird trait about them. They wear Band-Aids for no reason. Or they top their heads with a really shiny hat. Or walk around naked underneath a rain slicker. That's not just because they're bizarre goofballs, but because people notice and remember the weird shit they're wearing, not their faces. So toss on some stupid earrings, gold teeth or a thong on the outside of your pants. You're sure to look classy and completely forgettably memorable.
Well, it's last call for me, KC, and Bouncer Wisdom. I'll see you next week, for another round, on me.