Today, former Minnesota Twins outfielder Kirby Puckett, a ten time All Star and shining beacon of hope for fat little leaguers everywhere, passed away. Kirby suffered from glaucoma, which ended his career early. The glaucoma was just beginning an illustrious career that unfortunately would end prematurely due to the death of Puckett via heart failure. Puckett’s career lasted one year longer than the glaucoma’s. Furthermore, the glaucoma had no World Series rings or All Star appearances, and as such, the glaucoma has no shot at the Hall of Fame. So Puckett, dead at 45, though he lost his life, still kicked that glaucoma’s ass. I know Puckett’s chowing down some deep fried ice cream in heaven, while that glaucoma is reported to be searching for another pair of eyes. There is no confirmation to the rumors that St. Peter has recommended the eyes of Barry Bonds for the glaucoma’s next gig.
Today, former Minnesota Twins outfielder Kirby Puckett, a ten time All Star and shining beacon of hope for fat little leaguers everywhere, passed away. Kirby suffered from glaucoma, which ended his career early. The glaucoma was just beginning an illustrious career that unfortunately would end prematurely due to the death of Puckett via heart failure. Puckett’s career lasted one year longer than the glaucoma’s. Furthermore, the glaucoma had no World Series rings or All Star appearances, and as such, the glaucoma has no shot at the Hall of Fame. So Puckett, dead at 45, though he lost his life, still kicked that glaucoma’s ass. I know Puckett’s chowing down some deep fried ice cream in heaven, while that glaucoma is reported to be searching for another pair of eyes. There is no confirmation to the rumors that St. Peter has recommended the eyes of Barry Bonds for the glaucoma’s next gig.
Despite the glaucoma and other health problems, Kirby Puckett refused to lose weight—choosing instead to work harder and harder at gaining the fat that would eventually lead to his stroke and death. Kirby was no quitter, and he was not gonna let something like a little health issue get in the way of his dream of becoming more and more of a person every year. Kirby was as dedicated to his post-career eating as he was to his career as a hitter.
Tony Gwynn and John Kruk, two surviving chubby ex-major leaguers, when asked for their thoughts on Kirby’s stroke and subsequent death, were overheard to have said, “I thought there’d be food here. I mean, er, we’re all gonna miss Kirby. He was the best.”
When I asked my friend Andrea how she felt about the death of Kirby Puckett, she responded, “Was that like a nickname or something?” After further review, it turns out that Kirby was actually his given name. This means that, somewhere around the day he was born, his parents had some variation of the following conversation:
Mrs. Puckett: We should name him Kirby.
Mr. Puckett: You want to name our boy after a vacuum cleaner?
Mrs. Puckett: Not just a vacuum cleaner. The best vacuum cleaner in the world.
Mr. Puckett: Well, I guess that’s better than Hoover.
Throughout his career, Kirby was one of the best right handed hitters in baseball. His lifetime batting average of .318 is the best career average for any right handed hitter in a long time. The last right handed guy to hit that well was white, so I won’t bother mentioning his name here (out of respect to the aforementioned vacuum cleaner company, which, rumor has it, just recently stopped using slave labor). The following quote is not funny.
“Baseball doesn't owe me a thing. I owe my whole life to baseball.” – Kirby Puckett
The world’ll miss you big guy. As the man says: that’s the ball game. Thanks for coming out.