Sweetheart, listen, this isn't working out. I know it's only been two days and you love me (your words, not mine), but we have to break up.
You said you wanted to take things slow. I guess we have differing definitions of “slow,” because I figured you meant fool around and have sex and kinda go easy on the whole “relationship” thing at first. You know, take it slow.
I guess slow to you means "no blowjobs on the first date."
I don't want to argue with you. Can't we just be friends…with benefits?
I think we can both agree that this relationship would be WAY better without the pointless drivel, nagging complaints, and that thing you call "snuggling." Just some good ol' fashioned, romantic muff piledriving.
I could definitely go without the stories of how your day was, and I'm sure you could go without my stony silence and my hesitation to show any emotion.
This way we won't have to hide our having sex with other people like we did before. We can have sex with each other and then go bang some hot broad we meet later that night at a kegger, without having to like not answer your phone calls or knocks on the door.
How bout we just do this: I'll call you every time I'm drunk or unusually horny. It will prooobbbbably be about every day. We'll meet up, have sex, go our separate ways approximately two seconds after I orgasm. You can call me whenever you want some dick, too, although I might not answer.
This'll be so much better. We won't have to do that weird thing where we put our bodies together with clothes on (I think you called it cuddling, I'm not positive on that one though). Not to mention those phone conversations that were more like tv shows. A half hour bitch? Come on.
Get your shit together.
Sincerely, Kevin "The Kevster" Dwgtz