You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite episode of “Seinfeld”. If someone's favorite is “the Contest”, they have a sick sense of humor. If someone says “the Soup Nazi” they're a conformist and try to act like everyone else. If someone says “the Finale”, they're a bloody liar and you shouldn't be friends with them.
Well, my favorite episode is “the Opposite”, where George reasons every decision he's ever made has been wrong, so if he does the opposite, he'll be right. This philosophy leads to a hot new girlfriend and a job with the Yankees. This isn't terribly unlikely either; and fits nicely with my decision to stop showering before job interviews. Call me stinky, but I got callbacks.
Not only is “the Opposite” a great episode, but it's the perfect segue to this week's picks; I'm fed up with my performance thus far (I have no idea what the actual numbers are but I'm fairly sure it looks something like: Very few correct picks-Many many many wrong picks. So I'm going against my better judgment and taking a stab at the Week 11 picks. And remember, this is not some crazy notion. This is my religion.
HOME team in CAPS
CAROLINA (-7) over St. Louis
Here's someting I'm surprised we don't see more of: an NFL team being criticized for being too soft and having a player pretend to vomit on the sidelines in hopes people will think he's toughing it out. I'm not saying Steve Smith was trying to pull a fast one, but I'm not saying he wasn't. And I didn't see any chunks.
GREEN BAY (+6) over New England
Nice to see Brady's got himself a healthy dose of Favre-itis, where he's been told how great he is for so long he now thinks he can make lob passes into triple-coverage to a receiver whose name is “Reche”. And where's Belichick in all of this? He has two solid running backs, but he keeps giving the ball to a quarterback whose health is such a concern they signed Vinny Testaverde as insurance. Vinny Testaverde! I can't believe I may have to live in a world where Jeter and Manning are MVPs and the Jets win the AFC East. What did I do to deserve this?
Atlanta (+4) over BALTIMORE
“Studio 60” is rapidly turning into the Michael Vick of television. One week, it's the best show on. The next, we get a heavyhanded gay marriage debate in two parts. We get it. That hot blonde is a conservative Christian and Chandler is a stone-cold liberal. They're quite an odd couple. Can we move on?
Oakland (+10) over KC
If Art Shell had any balls, he'd bench Randy Moss until he said he was happy again and wanted to play. Maybe Randy could rollerblade during an LA sunset and then get advice from his Scandiavian friend over hassenfeffer and eggs…hey speaking of the Mighty Ducks, anyone catch that “South Park” the other night? I won't give anything away, but the shot-by-shot parody of the end of the first Duck movie was sensational. They even nailed Charlie Conway's sliding fist pump. And yes, I realize I'm one of about six adults who still plan my Wednesday around “South Park”. Don't judge.
HOUSTON (-2.5) over Buffalo
A “Demolition Man” game that doesn't involve the Lions? Stay tuned…
MIAMI (-3.5) over Minnesota
My buddy Gable is well on his way to owing me a case of beer following a preseason bet in which I predicted the Jets would finish ahead of the Dolphins in the standings. It's worth noting I was about 14 Blue Moons deep and, the same night, argued Major League 2 is every bit as good as Major League 1. Still, I got the Dolphins pick right. Maybe I should write these blogs drunk.
Cincy (+3.5) over NEW ORLEANS
Hey remember when football was a manly game and it was assumed everyone involved was tough and could take a hit. Christ, after that vicious hit Houshmansomethingorother took last week, you'd think Marlon McCree re-enacted that scene from “Last Boy Scout.” I thought the analyst was going to start crying. I'm sure Joe Buck is to blame for this.
JETS (+7) over Chicago
I still say if the Bears were in the AFC, they'd be, at best, a wild-card entry. And since I have nothing to add, here are my four thoughts on the Diasuke Matsuzaka situation.
1. The national media really needs to stop saying the Red Sox only made this move to keep him off the Yankees, as though Theo and Co. plan their offseason around “Der, well we better do this so the Yankees don't.” He's a 26-year-old pitcher with great stuff and could open a market for Japanese viewers. (And trust me, as someone who watched the Red Sox channel NESN more than just about anyone, nobody whores themselves like the official TV station of the Red Sox brought to you by WB Mason and Giant Glass. We don't even have a color analyst, we have a guy who shills T-shirts for nine innings and thinks Denis Leary is hilarious.)
2. Schilling. Beckett. Mastuzaka. Papelbon. Wakefield. Yes, I'm already saving up for World Series tickets.
3. Yes I'm concerned Dice-K (that's his early nickname) won't have the longevity for a 162-game season (he's used to only pitching once a week). But compare him with the other big free agent pitchers: Zito (a threat to get lit up every couple of weeks) and Schmidt (toiling away in the inferior NL and an injury risk) and Clemens (trying to come off six years of steroid use and an expiring deal with Satan). I'll take Dice-K.
4. One more note on the media, stop saying Red Sox fans need to stop bitching about the Yankees financial advantage, as though the Red Sox overspending on one guy makes up for the Yanks overspending on about ten. That's like if Nick Gaudio got assraped 1,000 times and I said “Boy that Nick Gaudio, always getting assraped.” Then, I got assraped once. I could still criticize Gaudio because he still gets assraped a lot more than me. It's simple math.
PHILLY (-13) over Tennessee
God, that's a high spread for such a inconsistent team, but opposite is opposite. And hey McNabb, would it kill you to throw to Stallworth a little more? Have you noticed every time you do, he breaks tackles and scores a ton of fantasy points, errr, real-life touchdown points? I'm only trying to help you Donovan, and the good fans in Philly. And this has nothing to do with my fantasy teams, of which Stallworth is on both. I'm totally in touch with reality.
Indianapolis (-1) over DALLAS
I think Romo and the Boys are going to pull a massive upset here, so I'm taking Indy. And speaking of things out of Texas, when can we induct Bobby Knight's chin-up slap in the Unbelievably Stupid Non-Controversies Hall of Fame? I wonder what fat, balding turds like Bill Plaschke will attack Knight for next? Wearing white after Labor Day? And I'm sick of everyone on ESPN dubbing the player as “that kid” like we're talking about a six-year-old girl. He's 20 years old. He's a grown man and an athlete. And he laughed it off and said all the right things; he's probably more embarassed the media's trying to make him look like a statutory rape victim. What a farce. This is farcical.
CLEVELAND (+3) over Pittsburgh
You think Cleveland fans ever tell themselves: “If we were in the NFC, we'd be perennial wild-card contenders”? I hope not. That would be real sad.
Washington (+3) over TAMPA BAY
Brad Gradkowski vs. Jason Campbell. Who else is excited? On a related note, I offered a trade in my deep keeper football league of Tony Romo, Leon Washington, one 1st and one 2nd-round draft pick and $5 million in free agent money for Clinton Portis…who broke his hand about five minutes after I offered the deal. So I raced online to withdraw the offer but my internet was real slow and took me nearly a half-hour to get to the page and cancel the trade. I couldn't tell whether it was one of the scariest moments of my life or the most pathetic. You decide.
Arizona (-4) over DETROIT
Normally, I wouldn't stoop to two “Demolition Man” games, and was really hoping to give Lions fans a break…alas.
SAN FRAN (even) over Seattle
Obviously, they took this game off the board with Shaun Alexander questionable. But come on. It's the Niners. I don't need a new tennis racket to win a match against a paraplegic.
San Diego (+2.5) over DENVER
It's entirely probable that outside of Indy, these are the best two teams in the AFC. And I don't even remotely trust either to go to the Super Bowl. Fucked up teams? Fucked up season.
Giants (+3) over JACKSONVILLE
Sign #3,198 that nobody reads my NFL picks: nobody thought to question my sanity in picking the Giants to go to the Super Bowl. Overrated offense, injury-riddled defense, garbage coach and a QB whose last name is Manning. That's it. No more picks column. I'm writing a soap opera blog from here on out.