As is the norm on this site, anything DeGraaf can do, I have a bigger penis. Welcome to Week 2 of the NFL season and here are my picks. For gambling purposes only.
(HOME team in CAPS)
BALTIMORE (-12) over Oakland – I'm not as high on Baltimore as everyone else, but would you take any team that has an inactive wideout mocking them from the sidelines? By the way, I think Jerry Porter's a Patriot by October. Just a guess.
New Orleans (-2) over GREEN BAY – Can we PLEASE stop licking Favre's balls now? How come when Jerry Rice played past his prime everyone gave him shit, but Favre's doing the same thing AND bringing down a franchise, a first-round quarterback, a head coach who has no business head coaching and a town with a stadium, a Wal-mart and nothing else, and everyone still talks about what a great player Favre is. Where's Scoop Jackson when you need him?
INDY (-13.5) over Houston – Everyone sit quietly while Len Pasquarelli reads aloud Chapter 1 of “Why the Colts are going to win the Super Bowl because they can kick the living bejesus out of the worst team in the conference.”
Buffalo (+6.5) over MIAMI – That sound you hear is the wheels coming off the Dolphins bandwagon. Daunte Culpepper is the Ryan Reynolds of the NFL. You know he sucks. You've watched him suck. Yet his movie comes out and people still want to pay good money to see it. Baffling.
Carolina (-1.5) over MINNESOTA – I like the Vikes. I still think they're taking the North. But they came within one horrid excuse for a kicker of going into OT against the most underachieving team in the league. Plus, I've been told Steve Smith is good.
ATLANTA (-5.5) over Tampa Bay – It's a good think DeGraaf's column comes out on Wednesday, it's gotta be damn near impossible to write while sitting on the toilet crying into your hands.
PHILLY (-3) over NY Giants – Who knew a wideout could look a lot better catching Donovan McNabb over Aaron Brooks? Somewhere, Randy Moss is crying.
CHICAGO (-8.5) over Detroit – Since when can a wideout for a team that scored 6 points the week earlier guarantee victory against the best defense in the league? If a guy gets turned down by a fat chick, can he suddenly claim he's going to have sex with Rachel Bilson?
CINCY (-10) over Cleveland – Can we start referring to the Bengals as Diet Colts?
St. Louis (-3.0) over SAN FRAN – You can't consider yourself a football fan and not be rooting for the Rams to do well without Martz at the helm. This would put into place every arrogant, in-over-his-head coach in the NFL. Giants fans, take note.
Arizona (+7) over SEATTLE – So now we've got the Madden jinx, signing a huge multiyear contract, AND a commercial where he injures his knee tripping over a weiner dog. Does Shaun Alexander do running drills under a row of ladders?
Kansas City (+10.5) over DENVER – Seems like the game that justifies all that Larry Johnson fantasy hype. You've got to figure he's getting at least 30 touches, right? What's the alternative? Damon Huard? Huard was a backup in New England for awhile. He made Drew Bledsoe look like College Vince Young. Take the points.
NY JETS (+6) over New England – I'm not looking forward to this one. Not only am I predicting a Pats loss, but a week's worth of ESPN “personalities” screaming at each other and comparing Deion Branch to Marvin Harrison. I'm sick of people calling the Pats cheap, too. Since when is it cheap to expect someone to play out their contract? It's a tough loss, particularly with Brady looking like crap last Sunday. But sometimes a team has to take a stand, even if it means an offensive philosophy of “Ummm, just throw to your tight end a lot.”
SAN DIEGO (-11) over Tennesse – I know it was the Raiders, but if Phillip Rivers doesn't pull a JP Losman, shouldn't the Chargers be mentioned in the best of the AFC discussion? They've got the best running back in the league and a solid, wildly underrated defense. Plus, their schedule is easier than Lindsay Lohan. As for the Titans, that was a real smart move putting Vince Young in for four plays then quickly taking him out. Not only did Vince look like crap (as yours truly predicted), but his confidence is probably shot for at least the rest of the season. Well, at least they've got the Volek-Collins combo, which is like having cancer with a side of AIDS.
DALLAS (-6) over Washington – I'm expecting a big game out of Bledsoe. Listen, there are few certainties in life, but one of them is that Tony Romo will not be the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.
Pittsburgh (-1.5) over JACKSONVILLE – I like Big Ben, though part of me is rooting for him to suck just to see Skip Bayless write the obligatory “Chazz Batch QB controversy” column.