Every so often, I write “smart” columns. These are columns that go beyond the typical “I jerk off with my dog in the room” mentality that let me grace a section in a National Lampoon book. This week, I wrote about journalist source protection and expected comments on par with the following:
“That was a littl smrt for me.”
“You used to be funny. What happened?”
“Bwah?”
Instead, my comments box has turned into a debate on free speech. This leads me to wonder, how smart are my readers and how smart are PIC readers in general? Finally, I realized that expectations may have been raised on both sides. Do I have to write about intelligent subjects from now on? I've been working on a column about peeing in the shower. Does that now go on the backburner? I wonder.
Anyway, I think I preferred the dumbness, and so here are my Week 4 NFL picks, designed to lower expectations.
Anyway, here are this week's picks. (Last week: 8-4-2)
JETS (+9) over Colts
Reason #49,105 why I hate Peyton Manning: Everyone in the media making a big deal about Manning's 2-yard scamper for a touchdown against the Jags last week. Somehow it made the top-10 plays on ESPN. Mark Schlereth commented in all seriousness that Manning added a new dimension to his game. He ran six fucking feet! It's like that episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” where everyone gets excited because Ray bought tissues by himself. God I hate Peyton Manning. I really do.
Chargers (-2.5) over RAVENS
Can we start calling Steve McNair “Black Favre”? Just throwing it out there.
Vikings (+1) over BILLS
The Vikes were less than three minutes away from beating the best team in the NFC. Now they're GETTING a point against Buffalo? Oh that makes a lot of sense.
TITANS (+9) over Cowboys
Here's what I don't get. Terrell Owens has an allergic reaction to painkillers, his staggeringly idiotic publicist calls 911 and says he's trying to kill himself. The media goes crazy, cancels regularly scheduled ESPN programming so Bob Ley can do his best Walter Cronkie, and air a makeshift press conference involving TO, his publicist and a homicidal Bill Parcells, who looked like someone just shut off his Playstation during a Madden Super Bowl. Everything gets cleared up and the next day the same media complains that Owens is arrogant and full of himself. Hey, did T.O. ask you to cancel ESPN programming? Did he ask you to weigh in on his mental state? (That one always gets me, like when Woody Paige declares someone like Ron Artest depressed. Hey, Woody where did you go to med school? You're a fucking journalist. I'm a journalist and can't even blow my nose.) Sometimes I get why people can't stand the media.
CHIEFS (-7) over 49ers
This game fails my “Demolition Man” test. If an NFL game is on and “Demolition Man” is on another station, which would I watch? Now, there's no shame in losing out to this Stallone/Snipes/Bullock/Schneider/Leary lost classic, but a movie that proclaims Taco Bell won World War 3 shouldn't be grabbing my attention over a football game. And yet, here we are.
Saints (+7.5) over PANTHERS
As great as it was to see New Orleans back in the Superdome, what REALLY got me emotional last week was seeing U2 and Green Day on stage together. Holy Christ. The best two bands working today together. And I didn't even realize until they went to commercial and promised “Coming up: U2 and Green Day.” You know something's special when you refuse to change the channel on the off-chance you'd forget about it.
By the way, lost in the Katrina hoopla is the fact the Saints are a pretty decent team. They've got a solid QB, two explosive RBs, a decent defense and a coach that actually seems to know what he's doing. Are the Panthers/Falcons/Bucs (chortle) really better than New Orleans? I say no.
BYE (-14.5) over Tampa Bay
I do honestly feel bad for Nate here. If someone could prove that Gaudio's favorite team was the Lions, I think I'd be a lot happier.
TEXANS (+3.5) over Dolphins
“A silent vigil was held outside Daunte Culpepper Memorial Stadium as the hundreds killed in the Miami Dolphins Bandwagon tragedy were honored. More after the break…”
RAMS (-5.5) over Lions
I think St. Louis should throw a mock celebration for Martz's homecoming. They should show clips of him tearing off his headset after the Pats' Super Bowl win and that arrogant “I told him to do that” smile every time Torry Holt somehow caught an absurd pass from Marc Bulger. Wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever?
And since I have nothing to add, has anyone else seen “The Class” on CBS? You really should. It's entirely possible this is the worst sitcom of all time. For starters, every single storyline is one-note. You've got a guy who wants to kill himself trying to get a girl with an annoying voice, a woman who falls for a gay guy even though her own husband is super-flaming, a loser who lives with his mom falling for a girl married to a former Philadelphia Eagle. Looking over those situations, can you possibly see this show still being around in 2008? There's absolutely nowhere for the story to grow. It's just the same obvious comic setups over and over, almost like the writers knew they were getting cancelled before even writing an episode.
BEARS (-3.5) over Seahawks
“As for Seattle, the last four Super Bowl runner-ups missed the playoffs, and worse, its star running back signed a huge multi-year contract AND appeared on the cover of Madden (I believe he's also going to fellate a black cat under a ladder before the first home game).” – August 23
“So now we've got the Madden jinx, signing a huge multiyear contract, AND a commercial where he injures his knee tripping over a weiner dog. Does Shaun Alexander do running drills under a row of ladders?” – Sept. 14
By the way, I'm smarter than you.
Patriots (+6) over BENGALS
I'm a Pats fan and that's my sole reason for this pick. Do with that what you will.
Jags (-3) over REDSKINS
Random prediction: The Jags lose to the Colts the second time as well, then beat them in the playoffs. Remember I'm the same guy who gave you Alexander and the Jets being better than Miami.
RAIDERS (+3) over Browns
Only one team in NFL history has gone 0-16 and I can't imagine another one will with the likes of Randy Moss. So yes, I'm betting on the Raiders, excuse my while I go jump off the roof.
EAGLES (-11) over Packers
So Brett Favre had a big day against that vaunted Lions' defense. Ben Affleck was good in “Hollywoodland.” Are you definitely seeing his next movie now?
**One last note: Starting next week, DeGraaf and I will be splitting our blog as we follow the MLB playoffs. This failed miserably last year, and only about six people and Dan Opp will actually read it. On the plus side, we're not Chad Chamley. It's not a relevant plus, but it's a plus.