I didn't write a column this week…too busy. But don't worry, the columns are going to be particularly nasty in the coming weeks; we're talking a throwback to 2004 when Court used to IM me after seeing my drafts with: “Are you sure you want this in print?”
Why will this be? Well, I was rejected from my seventh job this week, and this after being told by the interviewer that I was a mortal lock for the position. Turns out, the other candidate was more mortal lockier. So now I'm living at home with less than $300 to my name. I have no girlfriend. No job. Nobody that cares. All I have is this column/blog and let me tell you, in the coming weeks, we're going to be setting shit on fire. If you're a woman or minority, might want to peruse David Nelson instead.
Anyway, on with the goddamned picks:
Houston (+13) over DALLAS
I've been debating for the past couple of years if I would like Terrell Owens on the Pats or not. On the one hand, he's a tremendous talent and the Belichick-Brady combo I'm convinced wouldn't take any shit. For instance, if T.O. bitched about receptions, Belichick would bench him just to prove a point. If he threatened to kill himself, Brady would derisively call him Brooks and leave a noose by his locker. I think it would work out.
But you know, I think I'd get tired of the drama. Every single week this season has involved some kind of Owens story and as someone who could care less about the Cowboys, it's tiring. In New England, the biggest story with the Pats was center Dan Koppen signing a long-term deal. It's kind of serene. I think I prefer that.
Tennessee (+10) over WASHINGTON
Hey would you look at that? I'm backing both the Texans and Titans on the road this week. Bet you didn't think I could get dumber than picking the Raiders twice, did you?
Cincy (-5.5) over TAMPA
Bruce Gradkowski has a very confusing name. Every time I mention the Tampa QB, I say something like Brad Garrowski or Gary Borowski. Anyway, I don't back quarterbacks with those kind of names.
DETROIT (+1) over Buffalo
Hey, is “Demolition Man” on?
ST. LOUIS (+3) over Seattle
The only thing that's going to satisfy me more than watching the Rams excel sans Martz will be when the Colts win the Super Bowl the year after Manning retires. (What do you want? The Colts have a bye. It wouldn't be a picks column without a random jab at Peyton.)
Philadelphia (-3) over NEW ORLEANS
Just for laughs, Donovan McNabb should go into his press confernces and say: “Just so you know, I won't be fielding any questions about Joe Horn. It's all in the past. I want to move on and this story is turning into overkill.”
BALTIMORE (-3) over Carolina
The Panthers are the Heineken of teams. Ever been at a bar and you see someone drinking a Heineken and you think, “Hey that looks good, I'm going to try that.”? And so you buy one and it is good. And you convince yourself you'll drink Heineken from now on. Then you have another one and it tastes like piss. And you can't figure out if you like it or not, so you just start doing tequila shots until you throw up. That's the Panthers.
NEW YORK JETS (-2) over Miami
My God, a QB controversy between Daunte Culpepper and Joey Harrington. This will be like sitting at a bar watching Clay Aiken and Richard Simmons compete over getting girls' phone numbers.
New York Giants (+3) over ATLANTA
You ever watch a football game and get real depressed that God didn't give you enough talent to be a professional athlete? And everything would be so easy, all the money, all the women. And you sit here jobless and womanless writing NFL picks for a column that will be viewed by only DeGraaf, Opp and that faggot who steals my columns and posts them in his Myspace blog. God, this pick makes me sad.
San Diego (-10.5) over SAN FRAN
The fact that it's Week 6 and I still have no clue who Frank Gore is should make it no surprise my fantasy team is going the way of Cory Lidle's plane.
Kansas City (+6.5) over PITTSBURGH
Yes, I'm backing Damon Huard on the road against a solid defense. I also majored in journalism and say goodbye to my dog when I leave the house. I'm a fucking moron. You know this.
DENVER (-15) over Oakland
Well, I'm back to betting against the Raiders. Did you miss me? And since I have nothing to add, they desperately need to get Jim back in the Office. I'm tired of these dumb little subplots where Jim tries to buy chips for Karen. Pam's his girl. And now she's interested in Roy again. And…am I actually typing these words?
Chicago (-10.5) over ARIZONA
I'm officially onboard the Bears' bandwagon. Great defense and Grossman is morphing into a Brady-like quarterback. I loved last week when he got all pissed because Buffalo scored a touchdown, making it 40-7. That's a team you can get behind.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go drink a bottle of bleach.
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