Dear Valued Employee,
A) more budget-wise options for the good of the company and the company’s profits.
B) more efficient ways to accomplish our goals and tasks. This does not mean we think a monkey could your job. We have just finished a study and the monkey would cost a bundle in care and housing. We have decided to go with robots instead.
C) more legal ways to create the same effect. We at Personal Enterprises do not condone the use of illegal activities where we might be fault.
We want you to understand that this parting…
A) does not reflect poorly on your part. You were a great worker who did his/her job right. We cannot afford someone who has such a great educational background with little work experience.
B) is to encourage you to seek improvement and a formal education. We believe that this would improve your resume and living situation. Speaking of which, how is the cardboard box?
C) is the correct legal action for the company in take in these “delicate” situations.
The company has merely…
A) moved on to different pastures and changed its focus. Your particular skill set is no longer needed by Personal Enterprises.
B) grown, therefore changing its needs from its employees. Basically the same answer as the one above but we do not like you as much. Maybe you should have turned your work in on time or tried not to piss the boss off. We call this “constructive criticism”, and it should be taken as such.
C) found out about your wrong-doings that would/do reflect poorly on Personal Enterprises. These activities could effect our profit… we mean our reputation with the costumers and potential clients.
We would be more than willing…
A) to provide you with a great reference and to show our continuing support of your dreams and aspirations. Please mention Personal Enterprises in your next book. We appreciate the free publicity and might show our gratitude in monetary value.
B) to provide with financial aid if you go to the local community college. We hear if you refer four people to sign their souls away you get one hundred dollars at the bookstore. They have pretty nice sweats.
C) to contact the authorities who will be on there way shortly. Do not make a run for the door. Do not skip town. You will be caught.
Let us bask in the more enjoyable memories. Studies show if you remember the good times you have had, you are less likely to come in on your last day and commit a felony such as going on a murder spree. Don’t forget that you…
A) were hired as a/an temporary employee and since then you have been promoted to a/an technician in only ten years! Remember that you also have had a total of a two percent raise since you have started working at Personal Enterprises.
B) perfected your skills of sucking and blowing while working at Personal Enterprises. We hope you use your new found talents of sucking and blowing in your new career. Contact the Employment center to see the different options one has with a skill set such as yours.
C) gained valuable work experience and knowledge needed to the real world. Hey, you have just learned the value of tenure. We at Personal Enterprises believe that you should learn something new every day.
D) you are or have been under investigation for (name of criminal activity), but you were found to be innocent. Gee, wasn’t that a coincidence.
We hope that working at Personal Enterprises has given an opportunity to grow as much as we have.
So you see, Writers A. Block, You were…
A) getting too big for the company so Personal Enterprises had to let you go. We cannot afford to expand yet another doorway for you.
B) becoming too much of a risky “go-getter” for such a conservative company. You might also interpret this as companies do not like to work with people who “toy” with the company’s budget.
C) acting inappropriately for a Personal Enterprises Employee. The use of the color copier machine is a privilege not a right.
D) being downsized due to suspicious activity. We think the activity involves our profit there fore is very serious business.
Hopefully you will find your niche and…
A) lead a successful and fulfilling life. Have fun climbing the ladder of success at another exciting company.
B) manage to scrape by, but the company knows you can make it. You have the passion needed to make it in this world.
C) change for the better and live a happy life. Maybe you just need to believe in yourself a little more and remember the company believes in you.
D) rot in Hell you office supply stealing dirt-bag. Have fun with your new “office mate”. We hear his name is Bruce and that he thinks you “have a prutty mouth for such sweet thang”.
Because it’s Personal Enterprises code of conduct that we always end notices of unemployment with a “happier” note, we would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
A) still have severance package that includes stock options. Please check with the accountants on floor 23 to find out more details.
B) are innocent until proven guilty.
I am positive you will find employment elsewhere,
Ms. R. Hamm
CEO of Personal Enterprises
P.S. Be sure to talk to the guys and gals in accounting about your severance pay.
We at Personal Enterprises would like to thank you for all your hard work. We know you have had quite the run with this company. Personal Enterprises appreciates your efforts in the fast-paced field of General Creativity and Procrastination. Unfortunately, we feel like there might be…
A) more budget-wise options for the good of the company and the company’s profits.
B) more efficient ways to accomplish our goals and tasks. This does not mean we think a monkey could your job. We have just finished a study and the monkey would cost a bundle in care and housing. We have decided to go with robots instead.
C) more legal ways to create the same effect. We at Personal Enterprises do not condone the use of illegal activities where we might be fault.
We want you to understand that this parting…
A) does not reflect poorly on your part. You were a great worker who did his/her job right. We cannot afford someone who has such a great educational background with little work experience.
B) is to encourage you to seek improvement and a formal education. We believe that this would improve your resume and living situation. Speaking of which, how is the cardboard box?
C) is the correct legal action for the company in take in these “delicate” situations.
The company has merely…
A) moved on to different pastures and changed its focus. Your particular skill set is no longer needed by Personal Enterprises.
B) grown, therefore changing its needs from its employees. Basically the same answer as the one above but we do not like you as much. Maybe you should have turned your work in on time or tried not to piss the boss off. We call this “constructive criticism”, and it should be taken as such.
C) found out about your wrong-doings that would/do reflect poorly on Personal Enterprises. These activities could effect our profit… we mean our reputation with the costumers and potential clients.
We would be more than willing…
A) to provide you with a great reference and to show our continuing support of your dreams and aspirations. Please mention Personal Enterprises in your next book. We appreciate the free publicity and might show our gratitude in monetary value.
B) to provide with financial aid if you go to the local community college. We hear if you refer four people to sign their souls away you get one hundred dollars at the bookstore. They have pretty nice sweats.
C) to contact the authorities who will be on there way shortly. Do not make a run for the door. Do not skip town. You will be caught.
Let us bask in the more enjoyable memories. Studies show if you remember the good times you have had, you are less likely to come in on your last day and commit a felony such as going on a murder spree. Don’t forget that you…
A) were hired as a/an temporary employee and since then you have been promoted to a/an technician in only ten years! Remember that you also have had a total of a two percent raise since you have started working at Personal Enterprises.
B) perfected your skills of sucking and blowing while working at Personal Enterprises. We hope you use your new found talents of sucking and blowing in your new career. Contact the Employment center to see the different options one has with a skill set such as yours.
C) gained valuable work experience and knowledge needed to the real world. Hey, you have just learned the value of tenure. We at Personal Enterprises believe that you should learn something new every day.
D) you are or have been under investigation for (name of criminal activity), but you were found to be innocent. Gee, wasn’t that a coincidence.
We hope that working at Personal Enterprises has given an opportunity to grow as much as we have.
So you see, Writers A. Block, You were…
A) getting too big for the company so Personal Enterprises had to let you go. We cannot afford to expand yet another doorway for you.
B) becoming too much of a risky “go-getter” for such a conservative company. You might also interpret this as companies do not like to work with people who “toy” with the company’s budget.
C) acting inappropriately for a Personal Enterprises Employee. The use of the color copier machine is a privilege not a right.
D) being downsized due to suspicious activity. We think the activity involves our profit there fore is very serious business.
Hopefully you will find your niche and…
A) lead a successful and fulfilling life. Have fun climbing the ladder of success at another exciting company.
B) manage to scrape by, but the company knows you can make it. You have the passion needed to make it in this world.
C) change for the better and live a happy life. Maybe you just need to believe in yourself a little more and remember the company believes in you.
D) rot in Hell you office supply stealing dirt-bag. Have fun with your new “office mate”. We hear his name is Bruce and that he thinks you “have a prutty mouth for such sweet thang”.
Because it’s Personal Enterprises code of conduct that we always end notices of unemployment with a “happier” note, we would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
A) still have severance package that includes stock options. Please check with the accountants on floor 23 to find out more details.
B) are innocent until proven guilty.
I am positive you will find employment elsewhere,
Ms. R. Hamm
CEO of Personal Enterprises
P.S. Be sure to talk to the guys and gals in accounting about your severance pay.
Note from Accounting: You remember all those loans you took out for your “Grandma’s operation” that just “happened” to take place in Vegas? With the all the service fees, interest and cheating on the senior accountant Ms. Heidi Sachs, you owe the company $24,386.50. Ms. Sachs said she would be willing to absolve of your debt when “the Cubs win the World Series and that f-ing bastard learns how to please a woman”. Please visit us to work out a payment plan. Have fun in unemployment.
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