Recently, I've felt a strange beckoning to write articles of the Academic (note the similarity to my blog post) variety. How odd, especially since at one point I considered them cookie-cutter recipes for not funny. Now, however, I feel oddly attracted to that formula. Maybe it's because I feel I could hang with those guys and earn a little slice of fame. Maybe I feel like I finally have a grasp of the genre, enough to approach it at more than a surface level. Maybe “College” has finally seeped into my veins and will remain there until I release my “Total COLLEGE-Y dude's guide to College” book at the sadly too ripe age of 40.
Anyway, here is my attempt at one of THOSE articles.
Party Themes That Don't End In “Except with Booze!”
In every young collegiate is the DREAM. When he closes his eyes, he envisions a dreamscape of debauchery so famed, that the party-goers chant his name even when he is not performing a keg-stand. Females undress not because they want to or the party's rules dictate, but for both. Guys respectfully gawk and chum each other along, the only thing rubbing more than elbows is their massive wood-
en golf clubs… if such was the party theme: Tees-Off. Only golf apparel allowed. Trust-fund me on this one: coming up with the perfect party theme is like shooting an eagle. Take that in whatever sense you like.
90's Night!- Retro themed parties are always a hit, but after a while, the same attire and music hit their expiration date. Whoa Mcfly, is that the robot? Please. Time for the new decade: Acid wash jeans are the perfect compliment to neon-bikinis that inexplicably hug the hip all the way to the navel region. The best part is that half of the 80's fashion can be applied here as well, because the whole “Decade” time construct is fabricated and not mutually exclusive. I give this one a couple years before it's officially exhausted due to one too many people reciting Vanilla Ice from start to finish. But hey at least that hasn't happened YET!
Think that was something? Please, I saved the worst for first!
Father Time and Mother Earth- Hell, anyone can be sexy when the theme is Naked Bodies and Getting Naughties. This one will make you scratch your long white beard at how you're supposed to get in that honey's southern hemisphere. Hint: Her Greenwich Meridian is a vulnerable seam of insertion. It might take you a while to get to her core, but hey you've got all night.
Okay, not really, but make some quip about melting her ice caps and you'll be hula hooping with her equator. (She's a Tropic of Cancer for you Zany Zodiacs Out There)
LAUNDRY PARTY… except with Booze!- Damnit! I broke my rule. This party is your standard foam party… except throw in SOCKS and UNDIES in the mix. It's like you're IN the washing machine. Spilled Drinks? Not a Problem. If you want to stop there, fine. But my true props go to the guy who ACTUALLY does his laundry. “No you have fun, I've been meaning to get around to this for a couple weeks now!” Pull that line off right, and you'll be finishing more than one load tonight, brutha!!! Darks and Whites of course. If you know what I'm saying. (Seriously there's no way you're getting laid)
EXPOSE YOUR GENITALIA PARTY- Do it. Because. Why not? C'mon!! LAME!
The Four Suitemates have nowhere to go so we'll call this a party PARTY- Hey dude, you got any plans? Me Either! Let's throw a party right here!!! YEAH! YEAAAAAH! I think we have a six-pack! Oh Shit, let's POP IN A MOVIE! THIS IS OFF THE HOOK! Seriously though, I feel like watching Swingers.
Dad and Mom party- To the best of your ability, try to imitate your father or mother's look and personality. Double crazy points if you go as your mom, frat boy! With this party, it's actually a good thing if it fizzles out into awkward boredom. That means you've succeeded. Plus you get to transport yourself 20 years into the future, and feel the full effect of a gnarly mid-life crisis. Best thing yet is that this party usually ends early and instills the motivation to avoid this outcome at any cost.
CAMO COCKs and Hippie Hoes Party- Oooooh time to tap that political powder keg and let the suds fly. Find out what side of “THE WAR” your friends are at by which attire they choose to wear. Careful, it's possible that some of the brainy kids with a sense of irony with swap sides and use tongue-in-cheek modes of sarcasm to mock the opposition. If a single hook-up occurs, consider yourself a failure because this party is all about arguments and brawls. But just when the place is about to rip itself apart, turn off the lights and remind everyone that the real war we're fighting is among ourselves. Have a moment of silence for the terrorists have won.
And then bring out a Bin Laden pinata and win everyone back.