Occasionally when people submit College Quotes, they only fill in the acronym of their school (which I don't always recognize), or they fill in the first name of a school I haven't heard of before. Both cases require the magic of Google to solve (I've been to Yahoo HQ, they don't use magicians…hence, you don't “Yahoo” search queries). Usually it's a quick find because universities almost always have high search engine rankings on acronyms (such as UCO) and generic first names (such as Flagler) since universities were the first building blocks of the internet. So 9 times out of 10 it's a one-click search and discover routine. Occasionally I have to use context clues or email address extensions to make logical choices between 2-3 picks (SSU for example), but rarely is it ever a pure guess.
And then along came a quote from “Concordia.”
“Hmm, is it ‘college' or ‘university',” I thought (naively), as usual, taking bets against myself and then allowing Google to arbitrate.
*Click*
“HOLY SHIT IN A TIN CAN!!!” I thought, wiping my eyes in disbelief, “CONCORDIAS EVERYWHERE!!”
Concordia University, Concordia College, Concordia Seminary, Concordia Community College, Concordia International School, Concordia LANGUAGE VILLAGES. CONCORDIA LANGUAGE VILLAGES!?!?! AREN'T THOSE CALLED “CITIES”??
Concordias educating people from Nebraska, to Alberta, to Oregon, to Wisconsin, to Toowoomba Australia, and EVERYWHERE IN BETWEEN, INCLUDING THE DEAD SEA, WHERE PEOPLE GO TO DIE.
But that's not all. There are Concordia Hotels, Dental Groups, Restaurants, Stations, Libraries, Maritime Industries, Theatres, Clubs, Singers, a Concordia Publishing House, Hospitals, Historical Institutes, Havens, Houses…and when I die, there will be a spot for me in CONCORDIA HELL!
But every page deeper I delved into the Google search results for “Concordia” revealed another Concordia learning instution, somewhere in the world. So I decided to see how many pages I could go through before finally getting to a page without one of the following words in one of the titles of the search results: “university,” “college,” or “school.” (For the record, in a search for “Emory,” I made it to 16 pages.)
At page 6, things were going strong, with almost every result returning one of the keywords. Pretty weird, this has to stop soon I thought. But it kept going, 3-5 results strong per page through page 16 or so, and I thought this is fucking crazy. As I continued clicking “Next,” it got to be a serious game because I wanted it to go on FOREVER so I wouldn't be able to post this blog entry for at least 3 days of fasting and clicking. Page 25 was particularly suspenseful because there was no sign of one of the three keywords until result #10. (Yes, this is the kind of stuff that excites me.) Same with page 30, where I thought I saw the word “school” at result #3, but it was actually “COOL,” but then result #10 came through with “university.” OH THE GUT-WRENCHING AGONY!!
Pages 35-45 were generally undramatic, with one of the keywords popping up in one of the first 5 results pretty quickly. I vowed to go on at all costs, damaged right index fingertip tissue and all. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, PAGE 50, 55, 60. I was already getting hungry, and Day 1 had barely begun. Result #581 proclaimed “Sex, Lies and Concordia,” which briefly made me wonder whether this was some elaborate search prank someone had setup to drive me to the brink of insanity (assuming I would recognize the brink). But with 12,600,000 total results, there was definitely a brink.
And then a funny thing happened: I simultaneously reached the last page of (unduplicated) results (page 86) and the first page without a keyword. Unless you count “Université,” the French term for “university.” But since foreign languages weren't specifically included in the game, I declared myself a winner.
So there you have it. Concordia is officially the “John Smith” of universities. And yet, I had never heard of it (all thousands upon thousands of them collectively) until the other day.
Oh, and for the quote, I decided to go with “Concordia University.” Sorry Liz, if I got your school wrong. But I can't promise it won't happen again.