So I just found out my “mother” of 32 years is actually my father's buddy Tommy. Somebody call guiness because I think that's the world's longest prank. And while you're at it, check to see who holds the record for giving somebody the fastest beating…because I'm about to break that.
God…I can't believe it. You know when I look back at it all now, it kinda makes sense. Tommy and my “mother” Karen were never in the same room. Just like in Fight Club when that chick who was fucking Norton was never in the same room as Brad Pitt.
I remember one time when I was 8 years old and I walked in thinking my parents were having sex. I guess all that means now was that Tommy was just sucking Doug's dick.
I remember another time when “mom” sat my sister and I down and had “the talk” with us. I thought it was strange how long “mom” talked for. Talking about how to pick up chicks and finding the clit. Geeze…how could I be so blind.
Oh, and now its all coming back… I remember at least 5 times when I was a teenager walking in on “Karen” beating off to porn. At the time I just thought she was lubin up her dildo and thought she had some weird fetish to chick porn…Tommy you did it again!
My sister right now is having a worse time then me with this prank. We had to enter her into a mental hospital because she had a breakdown. After hearing the news she got real depressed and paranoid. For two weeks before we committed her she wouldn't leave the house and anyone that came into contact with her she automatically thought it was Tommy in disguise. She didn't even trust her own two little kids or husband! (Gary the husband is now filing for divorce…thanks a lot Tommy!)
I find it troubling my dad didn't think it was funny when he found out. I heard just before he died they high-fived each other about the whole thing. That thought alone sickens me and I am currently having trouble eating. I've lost over 20lbs already in two weeks.
Well I guess the only good thing that can come out of this is a lesson learned. And that lesson is: In life, if you can't laugh at yourself….then who can you laugh at?
AHAHAHAHA
I hate my life now.