A friend, Jessica, sent this to me, and it was too insipid not to write about. Lady and gentlemen, I present to you, with my commentary, Cosmopolitan's Wacky Ways To Show Your Love Online.
1. Check out someecards.com for some unconventional love notes. Show your man how you feel with a quirky “This Valentine's Day, I want you to know exactly how I feel about you in someone else's words.” Or for something a bit more racy, check out Cosmo's E-Cards.
Excellent. Nothing says, “I love you, but not enough to pay postage” like an e-card. Look, here's a word of advice for you guys and girls out there. If you can send it while jacking or jilling off to internet porn, it's not a very thoughtful gift. You're better off just sending her a picture of some porn star with the note “I love you so much I don't even care that you don't look like this.” Actually, never mind. I'm keeping that one for the Xster.
2. Post a naughty clip on the video sharing site vimeo.com. Don't worry, you can make your movie password-protected so only he can see it.
Cosmo, Cosmo, Cosmo. If the man in your life is on vimeo.com, he doesn't want to see you. The entire purpose of his watching porn is to watch somebody else fucking. Imagine how you would feel if you were watching Grey's Anatomy (save me the “you stereotype women! schpiel. It's a popular show.), and instead of Patrick McDermott, the lead actor was played by your husband. And god bless him, he's trying, but he's fumbling all of his lines, and the camera is adding fifteen or forty pounds, and you just want to watch your show the way you always do.
What was I talking about? I don't even remember. The point is, there's a reason he watches porn, and it's not to see your greasy mug.
3. Buy your sweetheart his domain name. See if his name is available at whois.net.
And he can set it as his homepage, to remind him of your life together. Completely blank and with no addition from him whatsoever. If he wanted a website, he would probably have a website.
This is not a gift. This is a forced hobby.
4. Make a customized playlist on iTunes and gift it to your honey.
How hard is it to make a playlist? And what kind of playlist isn't customized? Isn't that the very point of a playlist – that you choose what songs are on there? “Gift” it to your honey? How is this a gift? I can just imagine that conversation.
“I know we said we weren't going to go out of our way this year, but I couldn't help myself…”
“Wow, babe, what'd you get me?”
“A customized playlist!!!”
“A whatized whatwhat?”
“Isn't that the best thing, like, ever?”
“Uh…sure is. Especially since I want to listen to Valentine's Day music so often that I needneedneed a playlist. Listen, I'm going to play some basketball with the guys.”
“But it's midnight.”
“Uh. Yeah. Midnight league.”
“And you're wearing your work suit.”
“Yeah wacky rules. Anyway, don't wait up, and don't sniff my penis when I get back.”
5. Can't be with your guy on Valentine's Day? Crack him up with a virtual bouquet through iflowers.com.
Yahtzee. Guy like nothing more than pictures of things that they wouldn't want in the first place. It's only the thought that counts when that thought isn't insufferably stupid.
6. Create a listing on eBay.com for your love and let your sweetie win the auction.
Since when does ebay allow you to sell love? Regardless, this is very easily my favorite of all the suggestions. Why, you ask? Is it the not-so-subtle implication that your love is for sale to the highest bidder? On the Internet, no less? Is it the mandatory waiting time that your “sweetie” must wait to see if his bid is the winning one?
No, I love this idea mostly because I imagine that it could go very, very wrong and somebody else could win. Then you would be forced into some sort of sexual servitude with the kind of person who tries to buy people's love on ebay.
It's like a modern fairy tale, only instead of living happily ever after, you live in Tacoma, Washington with an insurance pension plan monitor and his growing collection of sex dolls.
7. At futureme.org, you can craft a lovey-dovey e-mail and chose a send date in the future, as if to say, I knew back then that I would still love you now.
This might be the stupidest thing I've ever read. And I religiously read Perez Hilton. Whoever wrote this article apparently has no conception of the fact that relationships end. The only way that this would work is if the email had something useful and obvious like, “buy eggs” or “clear google searches”. Then you guys can talk about how prophetic you were. That is, unless he's fucking somebody else because you do stupid shit like consult Cosmo for a list of wacky ways to show your love online.
Smoove out.
Labels: Cosmopolitan, Valentine's Day