Now I know last year the University of Cincinnati Bearcats beat the Southern Florida DeGraafs and embarrassed you on your own home field, but this year it will be different. I'll admit there is no way my team is going to come anywhere close to beating the DeGraffs this year. We switch back and fourth between a third sting quarterback with a broken arm and a fourth string who I believe might be the secret illegitimate child of Brian Kelly, because I have no clue why he is on the team. So it has put me in an awkward position. How do I talk shit to you without looking like a complete idiot, because I think the Vegas odds right now are 350:1. Plus we lost to UConn, and who fucking loses to UConn?
Well, I'll tell you how I think we might beat The Southern Florida DeGraafs (I keep referring to USF as the DeGraffs because I heard a rumor the school actually dropped Bulls from the title since you were their starting quarter every year you went to school and won them the National Title every time, because that's the only way someone could justify calling their football team after themselves. I also heard you still to this day are the first string quarter back if you so choose to walk back on the team.) Three days ago I sent Thai hookers disguised as massage therapists to your team's locker room. Your entire starting line up, both offensive and defensive, have crabs. Not normal crabs either, but mutant Thai crabs. The kind that burrow into your junk and eat you from the inside. Everyone one has crabs except your quarterback. I sent a special hooker for him. He now has herpes. Just normal herpes, I don't think herpes has found a need to evolve yet.
So you might think your offensive lines puts a hurting on my defense because we will have zero sacks, but in reality my players want no part of your quarterback due to the herpes outbreak he is about to suffer. We are willing to throw this game in order to stay clean.
All together this cost me 10,000 dollars, but it was totally worth one years tuition. So if you turn on the TV to watch the game, and the camera pans to the crowd and you see me, I'll hold my beer up and thank you and your team for whooping mines ass, then probably pass out from a combo of massive amounts of alcohol and coldness. Enjoy the game and winning our conference this year, because my Bearcats sure as hell aren't going to do it.
Song of the Day: To Defy The Laws of Tradition by Primus