Dear Poison Control,
Let me start out by saying you guys are a bunch of DICKS. I know you think you're doing a service to the citizens of the United States of America, but that is 100% BULLSHIT.
If you think you PRICKS can control the greatest band on the face of God's green Earth, then you've got another thing coming: my fist.
Poison is out of control and that's how we like it. Like my uncle always said, ‘ya try to control a wild tiger ya gonna git clawed.' (He died of gingivitis.)
It's common knowledge that Poison is the best glam metal band in the history of time. They rock 'til the sun comes up.
They've been going strong, rockin' hard, and partying like rockstars for almost 25 years now. Clearly you're fightin' a losin' battle.
You can't control the pure fucking fury that is the drums of Poison! Don't even FUCKING try.
The only rules Poison go by is THEIR OWN. You got that, pussies?
You picked the wrong band to mess with, Poison Control.
When I hear the first notes of "Talk Dirty To Me," I go fucking INSANE. I am like a wild animal uncaged for the first time. I am like Frankenstein after they first created him and took the shackles off of him (if Frankenstein beats his wife and drinks 40's until he passes out naked in a bathtub, pissing in his sleep, slowly filling up the bathtub with his piss).
Sometimes Poison takes it down a notch. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn?" Badass fuckin' sensitivity right there. It's take a real man with real balls to make that song. But just because sometimes Poison sings a power ballad or two doesn't mean they're weak, or that they can be controlled.
So BACK THE FUCK OFF, Poison Control. You don't know who you're messing with. Poison is a dog without a leash. A bloodthirsty dog that sings beautiful power ballads and dresses in women's pants.
I will beat your face in, Poison Control, if you don't stop trying to wrangle and lasso Poison. I'M NOT KIDDING, POISON CONTROL, I'M GOING TO DECAPITATE YOU WITH YARN AND USE YOUR FACE AS A TOILET. YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, YA HEAR ME, BOY?!? DEAD.
Sorry, I just listened to "Look What The Cat Dragged In." That song always puts me on edge! Hahaha. Seriously, though, fuck you guys.
