"Were you raised by a group of inbred lumberjacks?!" I exclaimed to the dungaree abomination standing in front of me, as she slipped into her jean jacket.
"No," my mother cocked her head in confusion, "why do you say that?"
"Because," I replied, "You're wearing a Canadian Tuxedo!" She continued to stare at me blankly. "A Redneck Tracksuit! A Farmer's Pajamas? A DDT, mom, you're a Double Denim Threat!"
My mom feigned a small chuckle and walked out the door, calling back only to add, "Well, what's wrong with a Canadian Tuxedo?"
The answer to that question is, EVERYTHING. Everything is wrong with a Canadian Tuxedo, and that's what I'll be talking about today. Now, I've lost many a night of sleep, my mind just churning in thought of why the Double Denim Threat is such a heinous faux-pas in comparison to, let's say cotton. No one cares if you wear copious dichotomies of cotton, or wool, or tiger-printed Lycra. Alright, that last one might just be me.
What makes or breaks your denim wear is the sheer volume of that denim; it needs to be just the right amount of jean to be deemed acceptable, and it's so easy that even your run of the mill suburban mom should be able to figure it out. Or that's what I thought until my mom graced downtown Providence in 100 square yards of dungaree, so I'll give you a few examples of why volume is key.
Too Little: You don't see many small articles of clothing crafted from denim, and there's a reason for that. The little things you wear need to move, those parts need to breathe and be free! I was going to start this list with the example of jean-socks, but I couldn't find a single Google image. This is convincing enough evidence to me that THEY DO NOT EXIST. Fashioning a pair of jean socks would be as sensilble as wrapping a roll of duct tape around your feet and running a marathon. Your feet would smell like the inside of a Bronx subway station by the end of that: strongly of rotting garbage with a slight tinge of urine.
All socks aside, the other thing I would suspect no one had thought to create from denim is underwear. But oh yeah, someone went there:
And because jean man-panties were too conservative, they even went so far as assless jean man-panties. Which if you ask me, actually makes more sense. But please don't ask me. Just know that the general rule remains: No denim intimate-wear, unless you happen to be a never nude. (If you didn't get that reference, you can go to Hulu and watch all 53 episodes of Arrested Development; you can thank me later)
Then you have basic denim accessories which I find to be so unnecessary. Like ok, a denim baseball hat doesn't mean much, it just means that you dress poorly, and probably live quite far from civilization, and perhaps you have had several more offspring than you originally planned and all those other dreams you once had are on the back burner for now. This is not entirely your fault. But a denim ten gallon hat? What, do you think you're better than the rest of us? A jean cowboy hat is trying to make a distinct statement. But all it says to me is, I suck! I suck! Kick me in the crotch!
Too much: The real problem with the Canadian Tuxedo is just too much denim. Denim doesn't have movement, it's so starchy and heavy. Yes, so is the average North American human body, but that's why we offset our fatness by wearing fabrics that dance in the wind and just look lovely. This is why, for example, you find so few wedding dresses made of denim:
And the ones you do find only grant you a desire to take a weed whacker to your own line of vision.
Similarly, blue-jean is seen as a neutral piece in the makeup of your wardrobe, until you cross that line of way too much, and then it just becomes BLUE. Which is not always a flattering hue in large quantities. See this example:
Now don't you think we should have known long ago that this was going to end in Frapp-gorging binges and spontaneous hair removal? I'm not making fun of Britney, I'm simply making an observation.
What it comes down to is that denim acts as a second skin, it's not a material that you need so much of unless you plan to be launched from a motorcycle at 70 miles an hour. Even then, I don't think it would be enough to save you, Jay Leno. So here's the guideline I'm instating: if it's so little denim that your unmentionables don't have room to wiggle at will, it's not enough. If it's enough square footage of denim to house several toddlers at a time, it's far too much.
And of course, if you're a never nude, just do your thang. I won't dare poke fun at any ilk of people who don't harm the public at large.
