My mom still enjoys going to church every Sunday. She's never forced her beliefs on anybody except for my brothers and me. My dad will holler at us to get moving, but he only comes along on special occasions, and even then it's at a challenge. As it is, I'm usually the only one who attends church with her. She paid for four years of Catholic high school, so she's going to get her money's worth, gosh darn it.
Needless to say, while I was back visiting the good ‘ol USA recently, I woke up blindly hungover one Sunday morning. I hoped maybe by attending church, God would look at me and magically cure my under-the-weather feeling.
Our plumbing had malfunctioned two days prior, so I hadn't shaved, showered, or washed my face in quite some time. I cleaned myself as well as I could in last night's bar bathroom, and then proceeded to dirty myself up in the bar's main room.
Even with my lack of hygiene, I still like to look nice. Mostly for my mom, but also for God. I put on some nice pants, a button-up shirt, and a Korean zipper tie. They look like real ties, but they're not quite. Not to be confused with clip-on ties, the zipper tie appears to be a properly-tied tie, but in reality the knot is a zipper that goes up and down.
Originally, I bought it as a joke, but since nobody in my family wears ties except for me, I thought I may as well give this one a shot. I figured I needed to field test the thing. Nobody would know and people might even think I'm able to tie a double Windsor knot.
I staggered a few steps out my front door and my dad immediately started laughing. "What are you laughing at?" I grumbled, pretty sure I knew. "Oh, it's my tie, huh? Well, guess what? I look good in it, and I don't care if it zippers or not, I still, uhh, look good in it." He started laughing even harder. To prove my point, I displayed how the stupid zipper thing works. He howled.
"You're just jealous you didn't invent this first!" More chuckles. Then my mom came out and laughed along with him. "Oh you're getting in on this too? Let's remember who's going to church with you… me! Now giggle at my relatively sophomoric fashion while I escort you to the Lord's House."
My mom put her hand over her face and snickered, "You might want to pull the front of your shirt out of your pants zipper."
I looked down, and sure enough my shirttail was sticking out of my trousers like a striped dingaling.