Now this is some funny shit.
A few days ago I received this email.
Don't ask me how I stumbled across them but they're hilarious! You get right to the point without holding back……..I luv it. You saved me from shear bordem at my job this afternoon………thanks!
Jen
I replied back with my standard, “Thank ya kindly.”
If you've never e-mailed me, then I'll tell you that this is usually the point in which our correspondence would probably end.
I don't mind this so much and by the end of this post, you should understand why.
You see, I was completely content in assuming that Jen was a girl I associate the name “Jen” with (my first girlfriend Jenn Cava- an archetype of womanly grace and beauty, a girl who I'm still friends with to this day). This was not the case.
Reader Jen felt it necessary to email me yet again:
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you're incredibly HOT. I'm a 40 year old powerlifter/personal trainer from the Philly area. My pics are on my profile at Myspace if you're interested 🙂
I didn't respond to her at the time; but you know what? I feel as though I should. Yes, it is my duty, nay my OBLIGATION to reply to my fans; so Jen if you're still reading, here's my reply 🙂
Dear Jen,
I'm going to assume that by take a look at your pictures, you mean that I should see if I find you attractive enough to fuck. Being as you called me hot and are 40, well, I don't find that too far of a stretch.
But, in order to appreciate the following reply, I must inform you of the following things:
1) I'm a twenty-year-old college kid who lifts weights once a week.
2) My mother is 38-years-old. That's two years younger than you.
3) I like being dominant in bed.
Now, before I go any further, I'd like to give you advice for the next time you try to take advantage of a young man…DO NOT. AND I REPEAT DO NOT CALL YOURSELF A FUCKING “POWERLIFTER” Or, at least, don't call yourself a powerlifter and expect any man to go on your myspace and look at you.
I think I speak for every male on earth when I say that I will never willfully look at a woman who powerlifts.
When I'm flipping through channels and I see ESPN's coverage of oily, orange, behemoth women, I run to the shower, take off my shoes, turn the cold all the way up and don't get out until I stop vomiting.Sometimes I even pass out.
In short, Jen, (or should I say Mrs. Jen?) this should be a valuable life-lesson for you: appearence, especially for women, is everything. Even the slightest hint that you could possibly look like Sasquatch has disgusted and angered me.
That's what you're dealing with here, Jen. You're dealing with a typical college male. And while it may appear as though I haven't learned anything from you, I must admit that your e-mail did do one thing for me: it reaffirmed my strong belief that I HATE PANCAKE TITS!
So yes, thank you for describing me as “Hot.” Obviously, your perception skills are as developed as your pectorals, biceps, glutes, etc. But please, lay off the roids, you fucking man.
Your writer,
Nick GaudioP.S.- I carry a gun. Please don’t hurt me.
P.P.S.- I'm willing to reconsider if you have a considerable amount of money.