Some of you are aware of my hideous showing in the PIC fantasy league. To be fair, it's ranked sixth on my priorities behind my fantasy baseball league with my college friends, my hardcore fantasy baseball league with my college friends, beer, masturbating and YouTube. So let's turn to football with my Fantasy 25.
This is not scientific nor entirely logical. But then, what is? Is any of this going to matter when Cedric Cobbs is the top back in fantasy? Shouldn't we all slit our wrists now just to get used to the pain?
I'm rambling. The 25.
1. Ladainian Tomlinson. Maybe I'm crazy but I like taking a sure thing with my number one.
2. Larry Johnson. Just because he hasn't played a full season. Plus I don't entirely trust anyone who has the same name as a basketball player who used to dress as an old lady.
3. Peyton Manning. As long as your league doesn't include stats from January and/or penalties on goofy hick faces.
4. Shaun Alexander. Signed a huge multiyear contract and appeared on the cover of Madden? Christ, I'd probably take that Charger who got capped by an off-duty cop before Sean/Shawn/Chone/Shaun/Barbara.
5. Rudi Johnson. Savagely underrated, and any defense playing them will be terrified of Palmer so he'll have room to breathe. This absolutely reeks of 2002-era Ahman Green.
6. Cadillac Williams. I wish every running back was named after a car. LT would be a BMW. Shaun Alexander would be a Ferrari driven by Dany Heatley (too soon?)
7. Tiki Barber. Giant. Feh.
8. Steven Jackson. Has the departure of a Super Bowl coach ever ignited such excitement for a team? All of a sudden, they're a chic sleeper pick. Both DeGraaf and I proclaimed him the NFL's worst coach last year, and this is a league that hired Dave Wannestedt and let him fill out a W-2 for five years.
9. Ronnie Brown. Go ahead, keep telling yourself Culpepper is the key to that team. By the way, I can't wait to laugh my arse off when Miami is trudging to a 6-10 record.
10. Carson Palmer. Might be an even better statistical pick that Manning. Plus you'll feel better about yourself.
11. Lamont Jordan/Thomas Jones/Reuben Droughns. A veritable trifecta of mediocrity. I guess I'll go with Droughns. Ugh, trade down.
12. Brett Favre. Just kidding, but you know some jackass thought that was real. Now he's thinking Favre's a sleeper and the Pack are en route to another Super Bowl. It's actually Julius Jones.
13. Chad Johnson. He's great and fun to root for. He's like the Anti-T.O.
14. Steve Smith. And his hamstring!
15. Edgerrin James. Drops this low because he's a Cardinal. Plus if you were an opposing defense, wouldn't you just stack the line and take your chances with Kurt Warner or Nick Lachey's boyfriend? I fucking would.
16. Willis McGahee. See above. Does JP Losman put the fear of God in you? In Madden, the video Bills promptly replaced him on the depth chart with RYAN FITZPATRICK. And it's not like Losman was hurt. He lost his job to a fucking Harvard kid. That shouldn't happen in any profession that doesn't require a lab coat.
17. Larry Fitzgerald. Two Cardinals in the top 25? What next? A funny sitcom on CBS?
18. Marvin Harrison. The definition of solid. Then again, it requires you to root for a Colt.
19. Terrell Owens. The Russian roulette pick of the fantasy football draft. Without a doubt, there's no other player that causes a ruckus like T.O. in a football draft. Everyone immediately harps on the guy for investing in a psychopath, then starts to wonder if T.O. will be good. It's the male version of menopause.
20. Willie Parker. Woefully unnoticed. People are really busting out the Haterade for the Steel. Geez, not like they won the Super Bowl or have the best defense in the best conference. Although if Chaz Batch shows up for more than 3 games, I may need to rectify.
21. Tom Brady. The fucking man. I bet he has a big year Branch or no Branch.
22. Joseph Addai. My Colts contigent, or as you know them, ESPN, say he's good.
23. Laurence Maroney. I know, I'm biased. You're saying you'd rather have Portis?
24. Clinton Portis. Always felt he was overrated. Sorry, I just can't take any running back who has a running gimmick where he dresses up and gives himself aliases. Would O.J. do that? No, he just killed white ladies. Plus he's hurt.
25. Reggie Bush. He hasn't taken a snap in a real NFL game yet! Doesn't that scare anybody? And yes, he's on two of my fantasy teams.