Today I made possibly the most amazing discovery for my health. They're called Plackers. Yes, I know they probably go by many names, so in case this one doesn't go all Kleenex on us, I'm talking about those plastic handled dental flossers.
It's not that I've never SEEN this invention before, it's just that I completely and utterly underestimated their actual impact on flossing frequency until I actually bought a pack. I mean, let's be honest here, how often do you actually floss your teeth (I'm talking only to traditional floss users)? Without sounding too taboo, it's probably no more than once a week right? Once every other day? YEAH RIGHT, YOUR FACE IS ALREADY TURNING RED. Remember when you'd go to the dentist as a kid, and the only thing you could count on every visit was a lollipop and one of the hygienists commenting at some point while they bled your gums to death playing tug-of-war with a piece of nylon rope, “Honey, you REALLY need to floss more!!”? Yeah, that's how I know you're lying. You see, flossing is just plain TOO MUCH TROUBLE when you have to wrap the rope around your own fingers and try to fist your mouth repeatedly while maintaining enough tension on the floss to actually dig anything out. You can't help finishing with a sore jaw, cracked lips, and blood gushing from your back gums.
ENTER PLACKERS. Like, OMIGOD, you can just pick up the pre-tied, pre-tensioned, flossed-out handle, run it between all your teeth and gums real quick, and then throw it away! My GOD I THOUGHT THE WHEEL MIGHT BE THE LAST GREAT INVENTION EVER.
So yeah, Plackers. Why do I love them in particular? First of all, they have their WEBSITE URL (caution: techno music in progress) in small raised plastic on the handles of every one of their flossers. I'm assuming this would be similar to me branding “Pointsincase.com” on my forearm. I mean, is it really necessary? No, but I guess it feels cool if you're stroking my arm and reading my website. Second, according to their website, “More people have flossed with Plackers® Dental Flossers than any other brand flosser.” Personally, I like to know that not only am I part of the “in-crowd,” but that I am going where many have gone before. It's just a feeling of dental security. *Grabs security blanket* Third, in no small letters on the front of the package, they claim to use “the same fiber used to make bulletproof vests.” I was always told to be gentle on my gums, but shit, if I'm guaranteed defense against a bullet between the teeth while standing vulnerable in front of my bathroom mirror, SO BE IT. Now I know how they catch bullets in their mouth in all those movies.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to indulge in a bag of extra-kerneled popcorn for the first time in years.
Ahhh….freedom (sponsored by Plackers!).