The media is making a huge deal out of the current Monday Night Football announcing crew. Apparently, I'm supposed to give a damn who announces the games. And I don't. Furthermore, I don't think anyone else does, either. There are many reasons why few good announcers are left in sports, but the main one is this: no one in the history of television viewing has ever changed a channel from a sports program because of the announcers. Those guys could be sitting in a booth, picking their collective noses and farting on each other, and we'd still turn them on if we wanted to watch the game. Because of this, television announcing jobs get handed out to ex-athletes, radio announcers' kids, and chicks who give good head. As a result, television broadcasting remains the one art form in America that never evolves or improves. And, though the media may make a big stink about how good certain people are at the gig, the truth is, we, the mustard stained fans of the games, don't give a shit.
During the days of radio, sports announcing was as vital to the game experience as the playing field (or so I've heard?how would I know?), but once they invented the television, the announcing focus shifted away from describing action and towards random babbling. This has culminated in Joe Theisman and Tim McCarver getting paid good money to sound like ill-informed idiots as they stumble over words in pathetic attempts to make points (that never come).
And, what's worse, we all know this. We all know that announcers suck and we all know that no network has the balls to make this format interesting, so we all turn on our televisions and completely ignore the announcers. And the media keeps trying to make us care about the people we ignore. And we keep ignoring them. It's a cycle that hinges on boredom, denial and utter stupidity. But it's a cycle nonetheless (one with hinges).
And someone needs to break it (you can start with the hinges).
So, with that in mind, I am offering my services as play by play announcer for any team out there. During each game, I vow to drink a twelve pack of beer, make at least twenty raunchy jokes and (if offered enough money) expose myself to a regional TV audience.
And you know you'd pay attention to that.
Week three is upon us sports fans. Here are my picks (home teams in CAPS).
BILLS (-51/2) over Jets
To me, picking the Jets is like kissing another guy on the lips or watching the Lifetime Network. I just can't do it. Maybe I'll come around later in the season, but I doubt it.
STEELERS (-2) over Bengals
Every Thursday after work (during the football season), I walk into The Local Pub, meet up with a friend and discuss the picks. Usually, we can pound out our choices and summarize our opinionated differences in a beer or two at the most. This week, it took four beers just to get halfway through. That means that this is a tough week to prognosticate. If this week were a wallet, it would be the one that says “bad motherfucker” on it.
Anyway, my buddy and I labored and labored over how to pick this game before he finally said, “You know what? Fuck it. Pick the champs. They're at home.”
So I'm picking the champs. I mean, they are at home.
Jaguars (+7) over COLTS
I am making this pick with the desperate hopes that this is the game where Peyton Manning finally gets seriously injured. Hey, a man can dream.
(Side note: It's funny how, over the years, my opinion of Manning has changed from “he's overrated” to “he's a choke artist” to “alright, stop with the commercials until you at least win a Super Bowl, buddy”, eventually evolving into my current opinion which is something along the lines of “will somebody please break his knees?” It's really weird how much I don't like a guy who a) has done nothing to me and b) seems like a decent human being. I guess that's football, though. What can you do?)
Titans (+11) over DOLPHINS
Another pick that took forever to make. The Dolphins are the better team on paper. But no one plays the games on paper. The Titans suck, they have no quarterback to speak of and Head Coach Jeff Fisher looks like one of those “security professionals” who opened their own investigatory practice after being kicked off a police force for coercing female traffic violators into giving him blowjobs. Yet, I just can't see the 2006 Dolphins beating any other NFL team by 11 whole points.
TEXANS (+4) over Redskins
That's twice, Gibbs. Twice I have believed in you and twice you have failed. I want nothing to do with you. You can go to hell Joe Gibbs. You can die and go to hell.
Bears (-3) over VIKINGS
This week, the Raiders have a bye, which means that there is a temporary hole in my bet-on-the-Grossman-led-Bears/bet-against-the-Raiders/bet-against-the-Favre-led-Packers three-prong money making scheme. So I probably won't be eating filet mignons Monday night. I know. I know. But I'll get through it.
By the way, how refreshing has it been listening to the media worship Rex Grossman, lately? It's like Jim McMahon all over again. I'm telling you (and I'll keep telling you), this is totally like a sports movie. If you watch this match, don't even bother with the announcers. Just throw in a few upbeat CDs and this game'll probably seem like one of those typical “that guy's amazing” sports movie montages. Grossman's inevitable season-ending injury is really gonna hit Bears' fans hard this year.
Panthers (-3) over BUCS
I want to thank everyone who emailed me to point out exactly how much the Bucs suck this year. I have been informed that our defense is old, Simms has twice as many interceptions as the Bucs have points, and Gruden is a horrible coach. I appreciate this, guys. Really I do. Hey, and while you're up, why don't you throw a few insults my family's way, too? Mom just can't take enough crap.
I mean, is there anything worse (NFL-wise) than knowing your team absolutely sucks with fourteen games to play?
God, I hate football sometimes.
LIONS (-7) over Packers
While in St. Louis Friday night, I had the following exchange with a Packers' fan:
Me: I think this is the first time the Saints have ever been favored at Green Bay.
Packers' Fan: It's a stupid line. We'll kill them.
Me: Lines are hardly ever stupid. You trying to say the boys in Vegas don't know what they're doing?
Packers' Fan: Are you trying to say that Brett Favre doesn't know what he's doing?
Me: Yes.
Packer's Fan: You'll see. You'll see.
Well, I saw. I saw the Packers choke yet again. Hey Green Bay, keep Favre under center for as long as you can. He's the cornerstone of my retirement plan.
Ravens (-61/2) over BROWNS
I have been wrong about the Browns two weeks in a row now. And, as I looked back on my research and meditated on the state of Cleveland's place in the NFL, I came to the following conclusion:
The Browns suck.
Rams (+41/2) over CARDINALS
The Arizona Cardinals do not cover spreads. It's on page seven of the NFL Gambling Manual. Seriously, you can look it up.
And while we're here, is it possible to get transcripts of a few Matt Leinart/Kurt Warner conversations? I mean, I think they would all look something like this:
Matt: So, Kurt. I got a girl pregnant. What do you think I should do?
Kurt: Seek guidance from the Lord.
Matt: No, seriously. I mean, it's not like she was my girlfriend or anything. And there's no way I can convince her to get an abortion since she obviously has dollar signs in her eyes at this point? but a baby could really cramp my style. I mean, there has to be some way to make this work, right?
Kurt: If I were you, I would put my trust in Jesus.
Matt: You mean like pray for a miscarriage or something?
Kurt: [Shakes head and walks away.]Matt: Hey, Warner! Where you going, man? Seriously, I need help here.
SEAHAWKS (-31/2) over Giants
The Seahawks are starting to remind me of crab salad sandwiches. You see, I love crab salad sandwiches but I rarely ever buy them (and I don't know why), and as such, I always forget how good they are. It's like, I'll walk by a deli, see a crab salad sandwich in a window, order one, start chewing and say to myself, “Damn this is good. Why don't I eat these more often?”
And months will go by before I ever think about a crab salad sandwich again. That doesn't mean the sandwich sucks; it just means that I have a mental block when it comes to crab salad sandwiches. And apparently, most NFL fans have mental blocks when it comes to how good the Seahawks are. And if you think that analogy is stupid, you're probably not stoned.
Eagles (-6) over 49ERS
I honestly don't know what to make of either of these teams or this game. The Eagles are probably pretty pissed about choking away that game to the Giants last week (consequently blowing up their undeserved bandwagon) and will come out hungry (yet without Jevon Kearse). But the Niners just beat an actual NFL team. They probably think they actually belong in the league. That kind of self esteem could improve their level of play. Maybe.
Anyway, this game might as well have a “No Wagering” sign on it. I wouldn't touch it with your money.
Okay? maybe with your money.
Broncos (+61/2) over PATRIOTS
I met a Patriots' fan named Matt at The Local Pub Wednesday night (I was picking up chicken wings). We got to talking about football and I mentioned how well the Patriots were doing. He shrugged, and with that typical we're-always-fucking-doomed Bostonian tone of voice, he said, “We haven't played Denver yet. Denver's the test.”
To which I replied, “I thought Indy was the test.”
To which he countered, “Fuck Indy. Denver's the test.”
And he sounded kind of depressed, even for a guy from Boston.
And that's why I picked the Broncos this week. Because I ran into some guy named Matt and he seemed deeply concerned about this game. Really, I should probably get a Cat Scan or something.
Falcons (-31/2) over SAINTS
I've been wrong about the Falcons two weeks in a row now. And so, after careful meditation and contemplative thinking about the state of the NFL and Atlanta's place in it, I have reached the following conclusion:
The Falcons ain't bad this year.
Last Week: 10-6
Overall Record: 18-14
Labels: NFL_picks