In honor of the Fourth of July—the only holiday that allows and encourages all American citizens over the age of five to blow stuff up—I have decided to make a list of my all-time favorite Fourth of July moments. With topics this unique, it’s a wonder I’m not writing for SNL.
#10: The Fourth of July that Ben talked us into positioning ourselves so we could see the Tampa, St. Petersburg and Clearwater firework shows all from (roughly) the same area. Highlights of this moment include a complete lack of beer tents or beer services (“what, you mean we have to stay sober? Aww, man”), Ben and his girl averaging one fight per twelve minutes, and running from the street to the parking garage to catch the tail end of the Clearwater show, only so we could hustle to another side and catch the St. Petersburg show. In retrospect, it’s a good thing we weren’t drinking. Someone might have cracked their skull.
#9: The Fourth of July that Kevin and I went to a Legion baseball tournament. We weren’t there ten minutes before a third basemen had his nose broken by a line drive. Kevin, who wrestled in high school, said the following (with the parents of said third basemen within ear shot): “Dude, in wrestling, if that happens to you, they tape you up and put you back on the mat. I dislocated my collarbone and they had me back on that mat in three minutes. How long until they get this p—-y off the f—ing playing field. Ch—t, it’s just a nose. This sport is dog sh–” (self-editing can be tough with friends like Kevin). Three or four fans threatened Kevin with bodily harm, but he was never actually (read: even slightly) intimidated.
#8: The three Fourth of Julies (all right then, you pluralize July) I caught a Cardinal game and the St. Louis Fair (formerly V.P. Fair). Highlights include my friend Tyler losing our beer, my friend Chip finding our beer, the Blue Angels, the best Gyro I ever had, the worst Gyro ever had, and some dumbass vendor serving me a beer at the ripe young age of fourteen. Go vendors! Oh yeah, and I saw Styx, Huey Lewis and the News, and Diana Ross for free. And sadly, those are the best three acts I’ve ever seen at Fair St. Louis.
#7: The four fourths I’ve lead my team to victories in Bottle Rocket Wars. Just so you know: the Roman Candle Shooters go up front during any army to army confrontation, PVC is the plastic of choice for bottle rocket guns, M-80s are to be used only if trying to flush out an enemy, and taking prisoners is allowable but torture is not. Gotta have rules, people.
#6: The time my family caught the yard on fire during a drought, spent an hour putting it out, then proceeded to have a water fight. That one will be remembered for a long time in my family lore (I think I was eight and I still remember it vividly).
#5: The Fourth of July after high school graduation, when I got drunk at a barbecue, broke in to a friends car, fell asleep, and scared the living crap out of her when she left to drive home the next morning. She reminds me of this every summer. And yes, every Fourth of July I buy her a drink.
#4: The time my Dad handed me a lighter and said, “It’s okay, I trust you.” (He did this because, even though I was six, it was raining hard that day and he knew I couldn’t set fire to too much of his property. Still, I felt like a big shot.)
#3: The time I made love on the center field grass of a little league baseball field while the local township firework show exploded above us. I was fifteen and all I had was an old blanket and half a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill. How times have changed (nowadays, I have a new blanket and can afford as much Boone’s as any girl can drink).
#2: That time on the roof of my friend Chris’s car, when the firework show looked extra pretty (wink).
#1: The Fourth of July I spent in Europe. This was really cool because I had completely forgotten about the holiday because I had been there about two months by then and was getting used to foreign stuff everywhere. I was staying with my girlfriend at the time (she was German). I came home from an afternoon of drinking in the local pubs (while she was at work—hey, the law said I couldn’t work there) to discover her wrapped in nothing but an old American flag. In addition, she had McDonalds hamburgers and sparkling fireworks on the patio table. As a gift for me that night, she presented me with the flag, the body underneath the flag, some bottle rockets (fireworks are hard to come by there) and the sentence, “You can use them wherever you like, just make sure I am nowhere near you.” Believe me when I say, European stuff blows up just as easily as our stuff. I’m tearing up just thinking about this.
Happy Fourth of July