No matter what anyone tells you, getting arrested is absolutely positively no fucking fun. However, by following these simple steps, you can maximize the quality of your arrests and minimize the resulting trouble. It's been a while since I reminded y'all so I figure this is as good a time as any: I'm here to help.
First and foremost, when getting arrested, be nice. I don't care what you're being arrested for, there is no reason to be rude to an officer of the law. In fact, you may want to consider being as nice as a UPS driver when dealing with cops (side note: I am yet to meet an unhappy UPS driver?must be a much sweeter gig than it looks like). I have never yelled at a cop in all my arrests. I try to be polite and helpful without incriminating myself. More on that in a minute. Also, when being arrested, it never hurts to act scared as hell. A lot of cops feel guilty about their ability to detain us. You can use that to your advantage.
The second thing you must remember when getting arrested is to be patient. Cops take forever to run your information and the jails take even longer to process you. Don't expect anything to happen quickly. In fact, it's wise to just expect nothing to happen, ever. That way, when they finally do arrest you and process you, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Thirdly, on the ride to the jail, make small talk with the cop. If he asks you about your arrest history or anything personal, ask him if he's ever been on Cops, or how he feels about local sports teams. Just because you're talking does not mean that you have to answer any direct questions. The right to remain silent can also be interpreted as the right to remain vague.
While in jail, it is important to act as bored and tired as possible. Don't ask anyone else what they're in for, don't try to make friends with everyone you talk to, and absolutely and positively be as polite and nice as possible to those interrogating or processing you. They do not have to hurry. The idea is not to make them like you so much as it is to make sure that they don't dislike you. In fact, if you can act in a manner that makes you forgettable, all the better. Oh, and good luck with that one, by the way. Con men have been trying to make themselves seem forgettable for centuries. It's not that easy.
And lastly, for all of you Spring Breakers who will be arriving here in Florida in the coming months, I must tell you what an ex-cop once told me about how the local police feel about young tourists.
“They arrive on vacation, leave on probation and return on violation.”
So stay smart and be nice, kiddos.
This has been a private service announcement. You are very welcome.