Ciao, Campers!
As some of you probably know—especially those of you who have had the pleasure of waking up beside me in the morning (at least before the panic hits when you feel the hardened strands of mucous binding you to my bedroom wall and then the chest-burster rips out of your sternum), I am One of Them. On the Kinsey Scale, I'm somewhere between Drew-Barrymore-in-FIRESTARTER-flaming and Neil Patrick Harris in STARSHIP TROOPERS macho-but-suspect. But I'm working on toughening up, and one day hope to be almost as butch as Rosie O'Donnell.
Yes, it's been years now since I bid a fond farewell to Mr Tumnus and Aslan, snagged the last batch of Turkish Delight for myself and stepped out of the closet forever.
Now, I'm aware that despite the fact that College is all about experimentation—be it with booze, socialist student unions, or imbibing enough drugs to make even William S. Burroughs call you a crack ho—some people are not into experimenting with their sexuality on campus beyond maybe attending a midnight screening of ROCKY HORROR in fishnets. Under their jeans.
However, I'm also aware that around one in ten of you are nurturing some kind of same-sex attraction, and that translates to…what, one of my readers? This column's for you, man!
Anyhoo, for those of you who want to tell your Fraternity brothers that you love them in the way of the Ancient Greek Bards (or indeed the Modern American Actor who marries women a lot to throw suspicion away from his sexuality but who is also very litigeous so we won't say any more about it please don't sue me) here's some tried and true tips for Coming Out and being the Big Queen on Campus:
BAD TIMES AND PLACES TO COME OUT AS GAY:
* in a vehicle someone else is driving.
* whilst balls-deep in your girlfriend.
* prison.
* Thanksgiving, within earshot of the family member holding the knife and about to carve the turkey.
* in the mosh-pit of a Rob Zombie "People Wearing Steel-Toed Boots Get in Free" Concert.
* during a campaign speech in which you announce your intention to run for the office of President of the United States (exception: Abraham Lincoln)
* whilst balls-deep in your girlfriend's new boyfriend.
* immediately prior to a Fraternity Hazing. Especially if it involves nudity, whipped cream and/or farm and zoo animals.
* if you are a character in an horror movie and you want to live to see the end credits.
* on a raft drifting in the middle of the Atlantic with the other survivors of the sinking of the good ship "SS FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN NUTJOB", when they're drawing straws to see who gets cannibalized.
* whilst balls-deep in the current Pope, His Holiness Benedict XVI.
* at the doctor's office, whilst being given a prostate exam.
* Texas.
* At the premiere of a Zac Efron movie, if you are Zac Efron.
* In the locker rooms after a successful football game, when you and your team-mates are in the showers and all sweaty and naked and hugging each other euphorically and playfully slapping each other's bare, muscular buttocks and…wait, this one's okay.
SOME CHOICE HUNKAGE FROM THE ACE QUEER FLICK WERE THE WORLD MINE:
