Dear Grandson,
First of all, Happy Belated Birthday! I hope you enjoyed my card. I hand crafted it just for you and it took me a very long time to do. It was hard work with my tired old hands; somedays their strong, somedays their not.
So your father tells me you're starting to socialize with the fellow ladies at your school?
Way back in the day when I was your age, it was still very inappropriate for that behavior. Your father also tells me that he hasn't talked to you about the birds and bees yet. He states: “You are too young for this yet”.
Well if you are starting to socialize with females at your school, then I believe the time for that is now.
The purpose of this letter is to educate you on what I feel the current educational system and your parents are failing to do.
When you are interested in a female, which your current behavior is demonstrating. I believe her name is Lisa? I hope you know Lisa's lastname. It is always appropriate when introducing someone to someone else, to use their full name. Next time we talk, I except you to get back to me with her lastname. And I would also like to request her home address if you don't mind.
Now, when a male is alone with a female, as your father mentioned he caught you and Lisa alone already in your bedroom; temptation arises. Now temptation leads to light touching. Light touching leads to heavy petting…
I'm sorry, but I'm starting to get angry as I write this. I looked into Lisa's grades and her average is a B. I find it really hard for me to understand why you would want to be with a girl with a B average? I expect better than this from my only Grandson.
Heavy petting involves kissing and touching each other in your special areas. And as you know by special areas I am talking about the penis, vigina and breasts. Now what I want to know is if this Lisa is only 13 years old, I don't expect much in the way of breasts just yet. I've received photos of Lisa from an old friend of mine in the P.I. business, and it is very apparent Lisa is flat chested. Come on! It's like you're heavy petting with another 13 year old boy, no?
Does she even know how to kiss properly? To touch lips and gently let each other's tongues softly play in circles?
Dear God remember your 10th birthday party?! Remember that horse I bought for you? Can Lisa buy you a god damn horse?
Remember the time just you and I went on that fishing trip? Don't you remember that? Didn't that mean anything to you?
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS LISA?
I swear if I hear anything from your father again regarding Lisa, it won't be hard to make another phone call to my P.I. friend to make some deadly serious arrangements to have her life threatened.
Grandpa loves you so much!
xoxo