Do you know what it's like to work in a factory? I do. My living room is currently an IKEA assembly line. I suppose the only difference is that I can get up and leave the production process at any time without stalling an entire workforce. What happens in a real factory anyway if someone just gets up from an assembly line conveyor belt and quits their job? I once bought a bag of Salt and Vinegar Lay's Potato Chips and it was just regular Lay's Potato Chips instead. Do you think the guy shaking salt and vinegar finally won the lottery?
Oh right, machines.
The weird thing about IKEA instructions (although I'm sure it's not limited to IKEA) is that there are only pictures, no words. Have you ever assembled something with written instructions accompanying the pictures? Whenever you hit a confusing step, you'll always read the instructions aloud, slowly, giving careful thought to each word to make sure you're doing things EXACTLY right. But when they're AREN'T any words, things become a bit trickier. Instead of verbalizing the diagrams on the instructions, I tend to picture a mime acting out the diagram in a game of charades. When my brain becomes more confused, the mime starts getting desperate, exaggerating his assembly motions with an angry look on his face, as if it were the first time anyone had ever second-guessed the instructions in that step.
But I dunno, maybe it's time to eliminate this whole “invisible mime guy” from the process…the girl holding up my coffee table is starting to think I'm weird.
7-21-05 Update:
New workspace is complete. Before (sorta) and after. For some reason, I hated having the monitor at eye level, up on a platform. I much prefer to have the monitor right in front of the keyboard as if I'm working on a laptop, which most of my computer job friends agree makes you much more productive. I think they're just going blind from masturbating too much.
11-2-05 Update:
Just came across this National Lampoon article on “How to Assemble an IKEA Computer Desk.” Describes every detail of my assembly process with painstaking accuracy. Fortunately though, mine is the enviable 2-bedroom apartment, not the cramped bachelor pad, which must have ended up at least saving me from breaking a beer bottle.