(Almost the same type of Culture Shock I received upon returning home)
When you become a world famous writer and ESL professor, you get these things called "Two Month Paid Vacations." So I decided to pack my luggage and head to the most exotic and exciting place in the world: the USA.
My flight from Seoul to my sort-of-home Denver, Colorado took about 36 hours door-to-door. The first leg of my journey took about 12 hours from Seoul to LA, with a 13-hour layover in the City of Hollywood (or whatever cheesy nickname that town has.)
I came of age in New York City, which is supposed to mean I have a strong distaste for LA, but I think that city rules—except for needing to drive everywhere.
Bones, one of my bestest best friends in the world lives in LA and he volunteered to pick me up from the airport and entertain me for about ten hours. And ten hours is all you need to enjoy some of the finer points of LA.
First, Bones and I hugged it out. Then, it was time for Chipotle. Korea's cuisine is awesome and cool and everything, but their Mexican food sucks. And I know Chipotle isn't the best Mexican in the world, but I don't care. I still wanted it. Every time one of my friends goes home to the USA or UK, I always ask, "What are you going to eat first?" I've been compiling answers for a long time. Most of the time it's something a mother-figure cooks or steak or something. I decided: Mexican semi-fast food.
After getting my Barbacoa burrito with black beans and medium-and-mild-spicy salsa, I ate my delicious meal. Bones ate his too. And twas just as delicious as I dreamed.
Upon finishing our burritos, Bones informed me there was a surprise for me. In human form. Who could it be? A girl? One of my ex-girlfriends? A Playboy Playmate? Dance lessons from Justin Timberlake? Well, we needed to grab some caffeine to wake my ass up.
I don't know if anybody else has experienced this type of reverse culture shock when returning to your own country after a year and a half abroad, but everybody in LA looked familiar to me. Is that dude on The WB? Did I used to date that girl? Is that the Olympic Team I'm supposed to care about? Did I go to high school with that thing?
I figured some coffee would make everybody's day better. But I'm not really a picky coffee person. Usually, I can get by on a Coke Zero or a spoonful of instant coffee grounds, but I wanted to visit a specific Starbucks. There are a million billion trillion coffee choices, but I'll be damned if I go to LA and not see a celebrity. I heard George Clooney and some other famous folks drank their java at this place. But there was one very special person I needed to see…
KC: "Eat your weird-ass heart out Julian Asange."
ASHLEY: "Eat your heart out Gavin Pitt."
After some hugs and high fives and a butt shot, world-famous PIC blogger Ashley Garmany and I hung out for a little bit. The last time I hung with PIC folks, I ended up buying all of Paul Frank‘s drinks and getting high on my rooftop with Xavier. This time, AG bought Bones and me some coffee. I was going to tip her, but, no American money. I'm sure another "tip" could have been used, but I invited her to our headlining event… and also Bones' super special surprise for me.
I only spent a few minutes with Ashley, but she's just as cool as her writing. She's funny, nice and I can see why Hollywood movie stars make special stops to her specific Starbucks. I figured I'd have a ton of time to talk with her and put the moves on her when she closed up shop and met me out for the Main Event. Also, I needed to leave, because in case you were wondering, all the Korean ladies added together don't have boobs the size of AG's, and the longer we stayed, the harder it would be for me to make eye contact with her. (If she wants to talk about my relentless coolness and Colin Farrell-esque looks, that would be cool.)
We walked down the street and again, I saw somebody I recognized. Was it just another tall white dude? I asked, "Bones, is that Timmy Tim Tim?" (a bouncer we both cracked skulls with in Boulder, Colorado and my roommate in NYC). "There, my friend, is your surprise," Bones answered. I knew we were in for some serious drinking then, and possibly by the time Ashley finished her shift, I'd be too hammered to turn on my famous KC Charm. But, I'd have some fun memories nonetheless.
Before that, we needed to hit one of my favorite bars of all time: Jumbo's Clown Room. No, it's not a weird circus bar. It's a strip mall bar with lingerie dancers. But the best parts about this establishment are: 1. nobody pays attention to the strippers, 2. the girls pick music like Radiohead or Nine Inch Nails instead of annoying hip hop stuff, 3. drinks are cheap and 4. if you tip the girls, you're the weird person—instead of the other way around.
But Timmy Tim Tim has never been to a strip club he didn't like, so we sat right in front and they tossed their hard-earned dollars to the hard working girls. I didn't, because, again, I had no American money. During ass shakings, we caught up with each other and the other two pounded their drinks and I was ridiculed for my sissy drinking skills. Bones is quitting the bouncing game soon. TTT's "sort of" wife might be running guns or drugs in Africa. There are no KC Jr's running around Korea.
Next, we hit Bones' place of employment. The Saddle Ranch: kind of a douchey spot with country music and a mechanical bull. Again, the Americans lapped me with their drinking prowess. The giant boobs of the women distracted me. Oh well.
After these other warm-up drinks, and meeting Bones' special ladyfriends, it was time for the main event: Porn Star Karaoke. Yup, you read that right. Somewhere in LA, on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, pornstars go to this dive bar and sing karaoke.
My porn viewing is pretty standard, I guess. I didn't recognize anybody there. But I'm not really up to date on who's hot in the porn world. But, somebody did recognize the "biggest" star of them all:
Two of these three hairy dudes have worked in the porn industry. One of them is just a boring old writer.
Unfortunately, Ron Jeremy didn't sing anything. But he was pretty cool. Timmy Tim Tim knew him from past non-adult movies, so he chatted him up. I just gawked around like an idiot expecting some big-boobied XXX stars to waltz in and look for a well bred, well read stud to practice sex with. However, I guess it was mostly male porn stars this night. There were a bunch of girls, but I didn't know any of them. And why the hell would I know male porn stars?
The other person I expected to stroll into the bar, jump out of her clothes and into my arms also didn't show up: Ashley Garmany. After countless directions and requests for her to come to this bar, she bailed. Oh, her excuse the next day via Facebook was, "Your friends didn't answer text messages." But still. Come on. You're better than that. Get your GPS to get your sweet ass over there!
After closing time, Bones wanted to have some "adult time" with his ladyfriend. Timmy Tim Tim wanted to run away from cops, picnic, drink and sleep on the beach. I wanted to get to the airport on time without getting arrested. So Bones ditched us, our beautiful chauffeur dropped TTT off at the beach and then the two of us talked for about life, the universe and everything for about 45 minutes.
And almost as quick as it started, my mini-vacation layover in LA came to an end. I saw two of my best friends, some strippers, pornstars, a favorite writer and the literal stars (too polluted in Seoul to see most of them). I banged neither a porn star nor a PIC writer. But, as I've said many times, there's always next time…
January 26th-ish, I shall return. And in the meantime, there were more American adventures to be had. Stay tuned!