Some mulatto dude was recently put in charge of speaking for the American people. They do this kind of thing every four years or so. I don't know the details exactly because I stopped watching the news after Local Channel 9's weather girl Sandra Bigenbosom was fired for reasons unrelated to her chest and then the USA Network picked up NCIS and started replaying all the really good ones like the one where McGee gets poison ivy… And how are you gonna like, get up off the sofa and deal with life when Agent Gibbs still hasn't tracked down the terrorist working inside HIS OWN FREAKING OFFICE? You can't.
Life simply must stop under these circumstances.
Also, I stopped caring about politics recently after the United States government finally agreed to take care of my money and pay my mortgage and put gas in my tank and stuff. Basically, I'm just happy to be alive in a world that has planes and trains and automobiles and little puppies with wet noses and girls who love to grab my arm while batting their eyelashes on drink special Wednesdays.
Life is just really cool.
That's the great thing about living in America: you don't really have to care about anything or even know anything all that much. All you have to do is show up to school and sit in neat rows until someone gives you a degree. And then after that, you get some kind of government job where you just sit in neat rows and do what you're told except, unlike in college, the government gives you enough money to get a shiny new car and you get to pee in a cup every month because the government doesn't want you doing anything illegal because all illegal things are bad for you and the government would know because they make all bad things illegal in the first place.
The government looks out for all of us. Just like God used to back when everyone was stupid and believed in a god actually looking out for and taking care of us. Gosh were we idiots back in the dark ages or what? Anyway, because there is no God we have a government and it will make sure that we can have reward without risk and money for nothing. That's the American Dream!
It's so cool living in America right now. I mean, you don't have to worry, you don't have to think, you don't have to do anything but the simple stuff you're told to do: like peeing in that cup or buying Coca Cola – which is yummy – and that's why I'm proud to be an American.
You see, some of the worst things about living the way that people used to before they put all the banks in a central location was that, if you screwed up, you got screwed. But nowadays we don't have to worry about it because the government is looking out for us. The government doesn't care if you screw up or not because they will always be there to make sure that you can live the life you've both agreed you want to live:
You know, that great little life where you sit in neat little rows and do what you're told and pee in a cup and you don't even got to think and the government even finds ways to pay you with your money, which just goes to show how smart they are up there (I mean, that's like a magic trick).
And that's why I hope that the mulatto guy is gonna keep on saving us from the horrors of a world with pain and fear. I remember my great granddad telling me about what the world was like in his day, back when a man suffered consequences for his actions and people had to deal with a thing called freedom, which is a word that basically just means you ain't got nothing left to lose, which would suck because everyone I know has at least a TV to lose and no one wants to lose their TV.
After all, that's one of the few screens on which we can watch us some NCIS.
Anyways, I got a little scared when the mulatto guy who'll be speaking for Americans for the next four years went so far as to say that he was gonna cause some kind of change in the perfect American fail-proof system of no risk or reward. I got so scared that I called up my dad and asked him if this mulatto guy was really gonna alter everything and Dad said not to worry because, "This guy ain't gonna change a damn thing."
Dad always knows how to make me feel better.