Two of my favorite times of the year here in North Tampa are early May and late August. In May, most of the college kids and snowbirds take off for colder climates and take the rampant youthful parties and extremely slow driving with them. Summers give me a chance to get to know my fellow year-rounders a little bit and remind me that I do live in an actual city with actual stuff happening that has nothing to do with watching nineteen year old girls get drunk. That's refreshing. However, it's equally refreshing when the college chicks return. (Lately, I've been feeling a little like Wooderson in “Dazed and Confused”?that's what I love about these college girls: I keep getting older and they stay the same age. I guess I'm slowly turning into the creepy old guy near campus. Whatever.)
At any rate, while I was discussing global politics with a fifty year old guy named Stan up at the Smoky Pool Hall (note: if you ever meet me, do not get me started on world politics. You will regret it. Just trust me on that), a very cute 21 year old female came up to me and told me that she thought I was “very hot.” Now, I naturally assumed she wanted to fuck me so I offered to buy her a drink. She declined, saying that she had a boyfriend but that she felt that I deserved that kind of compliment from a random stranger. I thanked her for her kindness and thought nothing more of it.
That is, until fifty year old guy named Stan said to me, “Wow, I thought only men did that.”
“Did what?” I asked.
“Complimented the opposite sex on their appearance just for the hell of it.”
“I guess not,” I responded before continuing my tirade against all things UN.
Later though, I got to thinking. Stan was right. Men always compliment women if they find them to be hot, even if we know we won't be having sex with them. Some women feel that this can lead to harassment, but I think that any woman will tell you that a compliment on her appearance from a cute guy always helps make her day. Now, I've had many women compliment my appearance, but usually they want to bone me. This chick did not want me, and yet she complimented anyway. And you know what? It made me feel really good about how I look. That was nice.
So then, I did even more thinking (and yes, occasionally I do work, thank you very much) and I made a list of five other things that it would be nice for attached, complete stranger hot women to start doing for men. You know, so we could all feel good about ourselves. And then I figured I'd post the list here, you know, since Court Sullivan bothered to give me this blog and all (oh yeah, and welcome to the blog community here, Vin Doctor. I hope you got your complimentary vial of crack from Court. You'll need it).
So now, because I like my Thursday posts to be relatively long winded, here are five (other) things that spoken-for hot girls can do for random hot guys they meet so they may make their days without actually fellating them. No need to thank me. Helping people is what The Nate Way does best.
Open Doors for Men
I feel kind of weird about this one. It was beat into my head (literally) at an early age that men open doors for women and not the other way around. And it's true that a few women have held doors open for me. However, none of said women were hot. So there you go, hotties. Open a door for guys you think are cute and you can't really be construed as wanting to fuck them, but they'll know that a hot girl stranger did something nice for them. That'd be cool.
Show up with Beer
Hot women always show up at parties and events empty handed. Especially if they show up with their boyfriends. If you bring a boyfriend to a party, you should probably bring some beer for at least a few of the hot guys who won't be boning you. Men are simple creatures and if you give us gifts for no reason, we literally will not know what to think. But we'll feel better. That's a plus.
Dress Down
If you have a boyfriend and you are hot, please, for the love of God, don't put on the fuck-me outfit. Wear something comfortable like a T-shirt and jeans and just try to blend. That way, we'll know that you expect nothing from us, and we (probably) won't try to bang you while your boyfriend loses $100 playing poker.
Don't Argue with Us
Look, I'm glad you have opinions and all (no really, I am), but if you argue with men and you're a hot chick, you probably won't get an honest response. I mean, you'll get one from me, but unlike most guys, I'm a total fucking dick. Save your bitching and arguing for the guy who sticks it in you. None of us want to hear it.
Buy a Round
Now, I'm not saying that you should buy a beer or drink for a guy just because you think he's hot. Do that, and he'll probably spend the rest of the night hitting on you. But if you're with a group of guys who are buying all the beer and shots, buy just one round (no more). If you're a hot chick, you're probably not used to paying for liquor (and that's fine, believe me), but nothing says, “I like you guys in a platonic way” like picking up one round of shots for several guys. Pick up more than one round and you're now in “one of the guys” mode and as such are obligated to fart in public and listen to our gambling stories. And no one wants that.
Hot girls, these are just five little ways (six, if you count the random compliment gimmick that introduced this list) that you can take the edge off your appearance and seem slightly more real than a walking Barbie Doll. If you're ugly, pay no attention to this list. The best way for ugly girls to land hot guys is a combination of sandwiches, blowjobs and football tickets. But for you hotties out there, remember, men are people, too. And sometimes we need reminders that you are more than just cum receptacles.
Or, you could just totally slut-out and bang all of us. The choice is yours.