This is the hardest decision I've made in a long time, and here's how I went through the process.
So to raise awareness for child abuse and neglect, a bunch of people on Facebook decided to change their profile pics to their favorite cartoons. I don't care for child abuse, and I adore cartoons. Should be a cinch, right? Wrong. As an ‘80s kid, I watched a shitload of cartoons. And like any kid, I had about a million favorites. Here's my short list:
Get Rid of the Losers First
I won't lie, as a kid I liked the Smurfs, but I liked the Snorks even more. Why being underwater was cooler, I don't know. But I didn't want my profile to be either. Also, I never cared for the Gummi Bears, but I did like the Care Bears, but effed if I'm going to rep an effing Care Bear.
The Obvious Pick
Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, defender of all sentient beings and all-around great guy. So why don't I pick him? I don't know, my instincts tell me somebody better will come along.
The Cute One
Winnie the Pooh, cute as cutecan be. Also, fat and more than fairly stupid. I need better representation.
The Badboy
Lance from Voltron. He wore blue suit but piloted the Red Lion. He didn't really give a shit about saving the universe, he just wanted to chill out, ignore the others and do whatever he did. Basically, a cartoon version of Han Solo.
The Namesake
Being a boy named Casey is pretty tough. Your only idols are "Casey at the Bat" (he struck out) and Casey Jones – a Grateful Dead train about cocaine. There's also the Casey Jones from the Ninja Turtles, and sure he looked cool, but was he really?
The Slob
The Real Ghostbusters was a total sham compared to the actual movie, but Slimer played a huge role, and I squealed with delight every time he came across my television. But, when girls check out my facebook profile, I don't want them to think of me as a big ball of snot.
The Pick That Says Way Too Much About Me
I could have picked the awesome ninja Snake-Eyes, the fearless leader Duke or any number of cool G.I. Joes to be my favorite, but my childhood adoration went to…Bazooka. Yeah, why did I like the fat guy who wore a football jersey into war? Beats me.
The Stupid Genius
Even as a kid, I thought Inspector Gadget was a dipshit. And also, why don't you get to see Dr. Klaw's face? And who the hell decided to put all these awesome tools in the biggest dumbass on the planet. I'm not going to even post a pic of him.
To Prove I'm Not Racist
I loved me some Mr. T. So much, that I didn't realize the A-Team was an actual team until about two years ago. I just thought it was Mr. T and a sweet van.
Okay, I Was Unknowingly Kind Of Racist As A Kid
I distinctly remember my Mom running into the living room thinking I was being mauled by some wild animal, instead I was laughing at Slowpoke Rodriguez, Speedy Gonzalez' lazy Mexican cousin. "Mom, I'm okay. But this mouse. He talks funny, and really really really slow." And my Mom thought I was really really really slow too.
To Prove I'm Not Sexist
Cheetara. Hot as hell. My first celebrity crush. And you know she's wild in the sack, but also really soft. However, she might make my cat dander allergies kick in.
To Prove I'm Kind Of Sexist but not Racist
The Thundercats were led by Liono, who I thought was the gayest gay homo I'd ever seen. And I still think so. He wears a Speedo connected to a unitard with the stomach area cut out to show his abs. And the fucking hair and eyeliner. Fuck you Liono. I'm sure you're a great leader and all, but I'll throw my support for Panthro. Because nothing says, "I'm straight," like blue leather suspenders holding up your Speedo. And he sounds black.
Another Obvious Choice
Wolverine from the X-Men, but to tell you the truth, I just don't know why I didn't pick him.
The Global Crusader
If you blinked, you missed it, but Swamp Thing starred in his own cartoon series for a while. Why did it fail? Who knows? Kids those days liked weird heroes, but a giant walking turd-plant just didn't sell action figures like they thought. But I thought Swamp Thing was awesome, and still remember the theme song (sung to the "Wild Thing" song) which went like this:
"Swamp Thing!
Duhn! Duhn!
You fight everything!"
But basically Swamp Thing was a lot uglier but less annoying Captain Planet.
Yet Another Obvious Choice
He-Man. A near perfect fit with me. Strong and sensitive, depending on when you catch him. Gloriously handsome all of the time. Symmetrical sword. His name even rhymes with my last name. But by now, I know my perfect fit.
The Actual Decision
My Facebook profile cartoon would have to be a leader from birth. Works it with the ladies. Great role model. Intelligent, funny, charming and cool. Who could it be?
Kermit Baby.
That's right. That's my Facebook character. I don't need to explain anything more.