The 2007 hurricane season is coming, and much like I did in
The 2007 hurricane season is coming, and much like I did in 2006 and 2005 (man, have I been tapping the keys here a while or what?), it is time for me to predict the entire hurricane season based on nothing more that what I think of the names chosen by the fine folks at The National Hurricane Center (note: I have never met any of the folks at The National Hurricane Center and am just assuming that they're fine, so if you find them to be ugly or unappealing in any way, please understand that this is just an assumption pulled out of my sphincter with all the care and delicacy of Jeffrey Dahmer preparing a brain sandwich).
If you're scoring at home, in two years, I have predicted zero hurricanes with one hundred percent inaccuracy. There's consistency, there's constancy, and then there's The Nate Way.
Anyway, enough forethought, let's get to the foreskin (I don't know what I meant by that but it made me laugh so I'm keeping it in).
Andrea
Andrea is the name of the tallest girl I ever slept with (at 6'1″). She was funny, alluring and had an accent that melted men into puddles of semen and entrails. Also, she was very considerate and feminine. Therefore, I am going to go out on a limb and say that this hurricane will only hit the Caribbean and probably won't ruin more than a few vacations.
Barry
The only person I know named Barry was a little kid I caught stealing all the time when I volunteered to help latch-key kids at my mother's church more than six years ago. If this hurricane is anything like Barry, it'll hit Florida, do minimal to no damage, and possibly walk off with a Mercedes or two.
Chantal
I have said this before and I'm saying it now: I love the ethnic hurricane names. I want Shanaynays, Shaneqias, LaToyas and even a Mao or a Quon. But Chantal, well, it's more than just an ethnic name. It's an ethnic stripper-name. In fact, as I type this, my head is flooded with drunken memories of topless women and overpriced mixed drinks. Indeed, this is a great name. So great, in fact, that I predict that this hurricane will never hit land, and may even end up spreading some much needed rain to an arid region of the world. That's how much faith I have in Chantal.
Dean
I had a friend in college named Dean. He ate too much acid, triggered a bipolar disorder and turned into a combination of the Tasmanian Devil and Bill Nye the Science Guy. There's no way I'm predicting what this hurricane'll do. No way.
Erin
The last Erin I went out with was a ditzy, daddy's girl who was lousy in bed and used her teeth too much. Look for this hurricane to mess up Miami and then deny that it did anything to the town because Erin is a total bitch who doesn't take responsibility for her own actions. Oh, and this hurricane whines too much. Slut.
Felix
Remember Felix the Cat? Yeah, me neither. This hurricane's gonna end up in Cuba, where Felix the Cat is probably still pretty popular.
Gabrielle 
Parents, listen up. Every–and I do mean every–girl I've met named Gabrielle has been smoking hot. Also, and not for nothing, this is an incredibly popular stripper name as well. I get the feeling that the fine folks (again, just an assumption) at The National Hurricane Center held this name-picking selection at Mons Venus. Gabrielle probably won't take any lives, but she'll definitely end up in an expensive coastal town and cause a lot of men to spend a lot of money. That's how Gabrielle jiggles.
Humberto
Puerto Rico. Definitely Puerto Rico.
Ingrid
My God, this is our third ethnic stripper-name. I'm in love with the 2007 hurricane names. As a matter of fact, I think I just ran out of ones. This is getting ridiculous. Ingrid will probably shoot up the Atlantic in a desperate attempt to find Norway, settle for Rhode Island, and blow some wind into the lives of some pale, fat chicks.
Jerry
I got a friend in East Rutherford named Jerry. He's a good guy. This hurricane will probably be a good guy as well. I can see it heading to Guantanamo Bay and drowning all our terrorist detainees. That's just how good Jerry is.
Karen
My boss's wife's name is Karen. I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. Let's just say that I really enjoy this hurricane and hope she enjoys me as well.
Lorenzo
The way the 2007 hurricane names are unfolding, it's starting to look like a damn United Nations roster. Anyway, I know a guy named Lorenzo. He's hardworking, intelligent and has eight kids. So look for this hurricane to touch down in Texas and spawn about forty tornadoes.
(The science to these predictions is becoming obvious, eh?)
Melissa
My old college roommate's ex-girlfriend has this name. She's warm, caring, respectful and totally neurotic. This hurricane will probably hit Miami, cross the state, hit south of Tampa, then shoot on up to Alabama because it just can't find a place it truly likes.
Noel
I have a friend named Noel. He owns a dojo. There's nothing funny about him or about this name, so I predict that this hurricane royally fucks up Panama City because that's a traditional, boring thing for hurricanes to do.
Olga 
You have got to be kidding me? Not only is this an ethnic stripper-name. This is a dominatrix, ethnic stripper-name. Excuse me while I push pictures of leather wrapped, dark haired, crazy bitches out of my head.
I predict that this hurricane will hit the Gulf Coast (probably Mississippi) and cause some kind of problem with the US oil supply, because pain is how we know we're alive and all that.
Pablo
Mexico. Definitely Mexico.
Rebekah
Who the hell spelled this name? Seriously, it's almost like the maybe-fine folks at The National Hurricane Center decided to let the strippers write out the 2007 Hurricane names on a cocktail napkin. I can't predict what this hurricane will do because I've never heard of anyone who spells Rebecca like this. Excuse me while I go to Google for this one.
According to Google, she was the wife of Isaac in the Bible. Yeah, I'm leaving this one alone.
Sebastien
Sebastien is that artsy flake with long hair who plays soccer and tries to convince your girlfriend that you just don't care enough about her mind. In other words, this hurricane is a wuss and probably won't damage anything.
Tanya
The only girl I knew named Tanya stole a CD of mine the morning after a one night stand. So look for this hurricane to hit Florida, move quickly through the state and take a small chunk of Fort Lauderdale.
Van 
Van is a huge name in my family, which happens to be very cool. So, I predict that this hurricane shoots up the Atlantic and doesn't bother anyone. As all cool people know, life's too short to spend your days inflicting pain and suffering on others.
Wendy
Every Wendy I've ever known was incredibly fat and slow. Therefore, I can see this hurricane hovering over the Caribbean islands for a while before dissipating because traveling across the Gulf of Mexico would just require way too much effort.
Chubby bitch.
And there you have them: my 2007 hurricane predictions. Hopefully, I can continue my streak of being totally and completely wrong. I mean, I hate messing with streaks.
Here's to a happy Hurricane Season, everyone. And may all your insurance policies be in effect.