Say what you will about the inexactitude of meteorological forecasts, but weather folks have come a long way at predicting shit. They're always way off on predicting what a typical hurricane season will yield though so I don't feel at all upset about being way off too.
As is my half-assed custom, I will once again predict hurricane season based on nothing more than the hurricane names of ‘09 and what they mean to me, Florida resident and lover of hurricanes everywhere.
Tradition is like doctor visits. Some are good. Some are bad. But they always occur with regularity. (See 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008.)
In the words of Tom "Spanky" Ironsides, "Let's do dis!"
Ana
Every girl I've known named Ana was cute in a "bring home to mom" kind of way which is the male way of saying that Anas are usually intelligent and borderline boring. Which means that this hurricane will have the good sense to do what most hurricanes do and simply ruin a few island vacations for dumb Midwestern couples who planned their anniversary cruise at the wrong time. Good girl, that Ana.
Bill
My favorite Bill is an eternally happy accountant who never seems to have a bad day so I predict that this hurricane will not hit land, will probably shoot off into the Atlantic and just enjoy all the salty wetness while it still can. After all, life is too short for mass destruction. Or at least it should be.
Claudette
Never known a Claudette but it sounds like the type of chick who turns gothic and weird in an attempt to rebel against parents who gave her an unpopular name from the 1920s so I predict that this hurricane is gonna seriously screw up Cuba. ‘Cause if Claudette can't be happy, well then, nothing else from the 1920swill be around to make anyone else happy. Dammit.
Danny
My best friend named Danny lost his mind in a car accident and had to rebuild his personal history from scratch. His mother was wise to exclude me from said personal history. Anyway, I predict this hurricane ends up torching the shit out of the United States at least two times… possibly a Florida to South Carolina kind of bastard.
Erika
All the Erika's I've known were actually pretty decent chicks and I can't really complain about any of them. But then again, my memory ain't what it used to be (thank God and rum). I could see this hurricane ruining a few vacations in Corpus Christi and maybe inconvenience a Lance Armstrong bike run in Austin.
Fred
You ever notice how some names just ain't as popular as they used to be? I've been racking my brain and trying to think of a friend named Fred but all I keep coming up with is Fred Durst and he's kind of a douche so… I got nothing. Your guess is as good as mine.
Grace
My buddy AJ actually dates a girl named Grace and she is cute and sweet and nice and she knows how to sing so she really should find a better boyfriend than AJ but she's in love and what can you do about love? Anyway, if this hurricane is anything like Grace, it will hit about Category Two, slow down, take it easy and then just kind of lollygag into New Orleans as a tropical storm in search of a decent live band for the love of God.
Henri
I met a Henri last year at a diner in Gainesville. She was old and crotchety and went by the nickname "Hank" even though she was apparently (but if not all that obviously) a female. In conclusion, I have no idea what this hurricane will do but it'll be ugly.
Ida
I'da sure hated to been given this name. (Seriously folks, I'll be here all week). Ida is another senior citizen name and senior citizens are often weak and forgetful so I predict that this hurricane will get lost in the Gulf of Mexico and then limp into New Orleans with a confused look on its storm because it totally meant to go to Panama Beach and visit its sister Lucille. Life is tough.
Joaquin
My favorite Joaquin is still Cardinals and Astros pitcher Joaquin Andujar (fuck you: Joaquin Phoenix) and Andujar could flat out deal so I predict that this hurricane will be one of those nasty sons of bitches that gets its name retired after ripping up chunks of both Florida coasts.
Kate
My niece's name. Not touching it.
Larry
I had a college roommate named Larry and he was an awesome guy but then he got married and disappeared so I predict that nothing will come from this hurricane damage-wise, but it will probably spawn a bunch of littler storms that will require it to sit at home and fall asleep in chairs.
Mindy
The name of choice for chubby blond girls. This hurricane will nail South Florida and its copious sugar supply.
Nicholas
This site used to have a writer named Nick Gaudio. And he used to write a lot of crazy stuff and complain a lot (even more than me) so I see this hurricane causing serious damage in the Carolinas and then getting upset when other less powerful hurricanes get more press just because they hit larger cities. Life is so unfair.
Odette
Wow. The old people names are just all over yet another hurricane season. I never knew an Odette, but I got a feeling that if I did, she would pinch my cheek and tell me stories about the great depression so I'm predicting that this one does mild damage to Jacksonville, which is just a depressing town.
Peter
Phallic names are always welcome in the hurricane season, but the problem is that they never do any damage. I would love for Hurricane Peter to screw some people over or slam itself against the Louisiana coast, but truth be known, this one will die in the Atlantic and yet another awesome excuse for dick jokes will be lost. Life sucks and all that.
Rose
I have a friend name Rose who is a great bartender and nice person and who still likes me, which means she's probably insane, which means this hurricane will kick up some shit and maybe even take out a chunk of 10,000 Islands, Florida because, well dude, that is way too many islands.
Sam
My first dog was named Sam and he loved water. So this hurricane will probably stay in the Atlantic Ocean until it chews up the rug too much and Dad sends it to a "farm" somewhere. Asshole.
Teresa
My friend named Teresa divorced my friend named Craig and things got very dramatic so this hurricane will definitely touch down some place with a great television market… like Miami or Tampa. Fucking drama queens.
Victor
It has been said that to the Victor go the spoils, which explains why my buddy Victor always spoils the endings of movies for me. The asshole! Anyway, this hurricane will probably hit and wreck the set of a movie somewhere. Just seems like the kind of thing he would do. ‘Cause he's an asshole.
Wanda
I don't know any Wandas either but I will use this space just to let y'all know that I do not find Wanda Sykes to be funny.
Please note that all of my half-assed predictions are weak as hell. I have gotten one right in five years or something.
Happy Hurricane Season everyone. And may all your backup generators work right…