Koreans love to drink. Mostly beer and soju (rice wine). I'm not the biggest beer person in the world, and definitely not a wino. So I decided to find some other liquor. Scotch is really expensive, as is most whiskey in the ROK (Republic of Korea). However, I found a few bottles of mystery booze. Here's what they looked like:
(Gross or delicious? I'll soon find out…)
And then I proceeded to drink them one by one…
(Looks like booze, sort of)
Er Guo Tou Chiew
Cost: 960 Won (less than a dollar)
This looks kind of like some sort of Korean medicine.
But it's Chinese or Japanese. The writing is Chinese.
Something says er guo tou is 56 percent. What the shit that means I
have no effing clue. Hopefully it's not made from "Cream of Sum Yun Gui."
It smells kind of fresh. Like ginger. Or some fresh herb or spice that
I don't know the name of. Well. here goes…
One minute later.
Oh dear God.
I couldn't breath through my mouth. It the shitty writer's easy way out to say it tastes like rubbing alcohol or cough medicine but it tastes like both mixed with a little diesel. And piss.
On second sip, it's still gross. My throat closes almost completely.
My body (especially my testes) start tingling. But not in the good way.
My mouth is sweating hot. Time for something else.
In the meantime, I figure why not go for a third gulp. Mostly because I don't want to walk over to the other bottles because I'm right in front of the air conditioning and it's still monsoon season here in Korea — which means it's balls fucking hot.
Third time isn't a charm, it's still gross.
(I made some ASSumptions about this one.)
Captain Q
About 1200 Won (one American clam)
I know a lot of people who like Captain Morgan. When they can't afford Cap Mo they go for Admiral Nelson. And when he's not around I guess it's usually time for McCormick's – who amazingly, makes every type of liquor, just shittily made.
Captain Q is a rip off of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. At least I think it's rum. There's a white dude with an eyepatch and some pirate boats on the label. The only English besides the label is "Extra matured."
I don't know much about rum, I'm a whiskey or vodka man myself, but here's to hoping mature rum ages better than aged pornstars.
Oh, the top says 35 percent. So maybe alcohol content. Hopefully not the percentage of buccaneer bukkake.
Smells like rum, looks like rum… Tastes like rum.
And not that bad either. Straight and warm. Not spiced, but not too
rummy tasting. Definitely tastes woody. I feel pretty pirate-like.
Maybe I'll put on my arrrrrgyle shirt.
Well shit. Looks like I fucked myself. The thing I thought was sake
because the bottle is covered in samurai or luchadore-looking masks is actually the awful guo cui chiew. Well there's another 2200 down the drain. But the bottle is cool so I may as well drink it.
(Turns out, these aren't Mexican wrestlers, but devil men who hide in bottles of Er Guo Tou Chiew)
Er Guo Tou Chiew (Part 2)
2200 Won (about two bucks)
The scent isn't that bad, but It could be just the fact I slugged
three shot of the one ETC and some Cap Q. This bottle only has an alcohol content of 38. So I guess we'll see.
I take a sip. Phew! It doesn't have the revolting dick bite of the other bottle, and kind of has a nutty aftertaste but whatfuckingever. Not bad but I don't know if I want to get drunk off of it.
Sooooo I kept an ace in my sleeve.
(This photo is about as good as it tastes.)
Commander Vodka
9700 Won (about ten bucks)
Looks like shitty vodka. Tastes like shitty vodka. Mixes well with stuff. Who cares? It's shitty vodka and the best I can do (without drinking a $90 bottle of Grey Goose that I wouldn't drink just because what the fuck do the French know about producing vodka).
Commander Vodka hails straight from Holland (it says so on the bottle) and just 9700 won and every penny of 3700 won. It's smooth kind of tastes like crappy vodka and enables me to think I can speak Korean swoon stupid white girls and not kill myself with nunchukas.
Update 1: I'm hammered. Now I'm just wondering, were those tiny bottles of Windex I just drank? Cleaning products? Fuuuuck. Well, I'm drunk so who cares.
Update 2: I found some cola flavored Freezy Pops in my freezer so I
decided to take a shot of Cap Q and wash it down with cola Freezy Pop. Result: delish.
Update 3: I ran out of cola-flavored Freezy Pops, so I found the blue color and took shots of vodka and washed them down with Commander Vodka. I didn't do much nunchucka work, but I did do some great George Thoroughgood singing while laying on my couch. Wearing nothing but a smile and the cheap aftershave I bought at the same place I bought all this mystery booze. Fuck my neighbors. I'm turning George up. Because I'm drunk and bad to the bone. And naked.
Update 4: I'm being asked to drink in public. I'll take a shot of each before I go out…For awesome strength. And to motivate myself to put on pants.
Update 5: Home. Afraid to sleep. I know I wake up and I be very sad. Hurty. Maybe bleedy. But, George Thoroughgood sounds even better. Blues are good. Weird booze can be bad. I = shithammered drunk. Still want no more of that Er Gou Chiew shit.
Update 5.5: When I woke up, I wondered why "Who Do You Love?" By George Thoroughgood played repeat. And why the sun was up. And where all my clothes were. And why my clock said 1:37 p.m. Strangely enough, I don't feel bad. I guess the hangover will come.
Update 5.6: A Google search tells me that Er Guo Tou Chiew is called Baijiu by other people, or "White Liquor," which is somewhat ironic since it's not white and most white people hate it. Basically, it's Chinese grain alcohol, but I'm positive demons live there.
Update 6: The hangover never came. I felt a little woozy, maybe that's because on top of some interesting new mystery booze, I drank some 56% alcohol shit last night. Maybe Er Gou Tou Chiew is some sort of healing potion. Maybe George Thoroughgood's blues contain magic powers.
The world may never know.
(Here's a photo of me with my bottle of Commander and my nunchuckas)
