‘Tis the lovely month of May, when the weather finally cozies up to the warm fronts and the idea of “below freezing” is tossed away as a useless word in this mid-western’s mind. The sun is shining (directly into my room, a little earlier each day). The birds are singing (at 2:00 in the morning but not during, say, daylight hours), and young people’s thoughts turn to romance (or what passes for romance these days… and then the cynical woman turned to face the world outside her window, wondering what could have been all those years ago… I will always miss you, she thought to herself, reminding herself of the lover she once had before she threw it all away like so many brunt muffins…
The woman knew that the one she had called sweet, kind, and cold was just that. It did not change over the course of the years: it had only grown old and tiresome. The companion, her companion, was only trying to please her to the best of its ability. Now that the summer months were once again upon her doorstep, she remembered what she had felt for the one she deserted. She remembered the cool breeze that caressed her lips, the goose pimples that rose upon her skin and the way the soft hum, almost a purr, often lulled her to sleep. Her eyes darted across the room where the new model sat. It was small, quiet and efficient. The new model had absolutely no passion.
It could never be half the central air her last conditioning unit was.)
Because love is in the air (in the form of chloroform) (and because dating happened to the first thing I wrote about this week and is therefore the theme), it is only logical that one seeks romance. Too bad romance is such a tricky subject.
Don’t believe me? Romance is one of those things that has so many different possibilities that might work. How many times have you been sent to the doghouse for trying to be romantic to find out that you and your partner’s ideas of romance differed? Lucky for you, there are three easy steps to romance.
First: Never be practical. Ever.
That means that buying your lover a blender because they like making “smoothies” is a very bad idea. That also means giving your sugar-pie a massage after they spent a good three hours whining about their back is not romantic. It is sweet, but not romantic. Giving a massage because you felt like is totally romantic. Giving a massage because you felt like it and they actually needed it (without telling you), is double bonus points in both categories.
Second: When ever you try to be romantic, make it brag worthy.
The number one reason a person (mostly women) want romance is so they can brag about it. Think about it. People get together in a formal conversation, and one of four topics will always come up (weather, pets/kids, love life, and sports). People like to brag about the four topics (“The Red Wings are awesome!” “My little Jetty-kins just learned how to use the litter box today!” “Oh Roxy, I was freezing my balls off because it got below fifty this morning.”) If they can brag about it, you are golden (remember: they have to think that it is something to brag about, not you). Of course, it’s not bragging if it’s true.
Third: Always be over the top.
Then you will never have to be romantic again. Eventually your partner will hate it when you try and will take back that they ever said anything about the lack of romance.
Labels: dating, everyone's a braggart, romance