Evelyn Boyd, wife of a pastor and resident of Tampa Bay, died recently during a three week fast. How do I know this? Well, the boss left work early so I bought a newspaper just to remember what it was like reading articles I did not search for on a computer. And you know what? It's just as pleasant as I remembered it.
The article explains that Mrs. Boyd was loved and loving, that she died from lack of nutrition because she chose not to eat because she's very spiritual. They even got a professor from my old university to explain that Christians fast so they can feel closer to the suffering of Jesus. And that professor, after explaining the reasons why Christians fast, added, "The general idea is to stop [fasting] before you die." After I read that line I spit diet soda all over my desk. I literally did a Diet Coke spit take. That was the funniest thing I had read in a while. And that got me thinking, maybe newspapers aren't all bad.
So I continued reading.
It turns out that a former city manager here in Tampa Bay, recently fired after getting a sex change, will be featured in a CNN Presents feature entitled, "Her Name was Steven." The show will attempt to look at the dangers and hardships facing the recently transgendered. Thankfully, I can set my TiVo from my phone so I won't be missing that.
And I continued reading.
Apparently, some chick killed some dude for his lottery money. The article's really not all that surprising or entertaining but I just think it's worth noting that women commit something like five percent of the nation's murders and I'm pretty sure that almost all of those murders are motivated by cash. Hell, the whole reason men kill for money is to impress women. I'm just saying that most women are greedy and feel entitled to stuff they didn't earn. And since it's apparently Point Out the Obvious Day: men like blowjobs.
Anyway, I kept reading.
And it turns out that meteorologists are again predicting a serious increase in hurricane activity this hurricane season. Over the past twenty years these guys have been right approximately never, so they buried the story on one of the back pages.
I went over to the business section. In the Tampa Tribune, the business section features the comic strip, Dilbert. We work hard here in Tampa. Hard as a boner, we do.
Apparently, the Federal Reserve is reporting that household net worth increased 1.3% last quarter. Which is bound to happen once you reduce the number of people who are actually in households by kicking them out into the street and homelessing them (I verb words).
The business section and the sports section are smooshed together in this age of dying print journalism, so I headed over there and learned that Tiger Woods will soon play golf again. That's good because people seem to like it when he plays golf. And I'm all for people getting what they like, unless it's getting boned by Tiger Woods. I feel for his wife's body, I do.
After the sports section, I had read the entire paper except the funnies. Which always suck anyway. Apparently, reading the paper isn't as difficult as it used to be. And that's nice. Newspapers may be a dying breed, but at least they're getting lighter and easier to digest.
And at any rate, for the first time in five years I read a newspaper that I purchased. And it made me nostalgic for the incredibly recent past. Which is a sad statement of the way our lives click in this crazy small world.
And, not for nothing, but Dilbert belongs in the comics section. It's a comic strip you dumb bastards.