This morning I got such a close shave I thought I was back in Sierra Leone, selling Cold War-era weaponry on the black market. But I wasn't, and I felt the smooth texture of my skin, and I realized that I had a dream…a dream of creating the perfect men's shaver.
Let's face it: shaving is the most important part of the day. If you are like me, a bad shave can really make it obvious that you are on welfare. Not only that, but a lousy shave can disrupt your morning routine: you pee all over the magazine rack next to the toilet, you put shampoo on the toothbrush, you get into the shower after you are dressed, and you forget to take a shit until it is too late.
Way too late.
We've all heard the phrase "shit, shower and shave." I had this idea in mind when I began to design my prototype. I realized I could combine these three activities into one beautiful gesture with the proper shaver. So I electrified the shaver with shoddy soldering and no ground.
This is how it works: you wake up, pick up the shaver, and step into the shower. The shock of 100 volts coursing through your system will not only wake you up, it will loosen your bowels. In face, you can consider the problem of taking a shit solved.
Yeah.
After the flowing water cleans the shower, you are free to put the shaver to work. My prototype is an upgraded ProGlide, with 11 blades instead of the insufficient five on most normal shavers. With this many blades, you can actually shave your entire face in a single stroke.
Damn.
If you are like me, you like corn flakes, but you have trouble remembering where they are, and how to make them. That's why my shaver is hollow on the inside. Just jam it full of corn flakes before you go to sleep, and you are on your way to a nutritious breakfast.
Just mix a little milk into your shaving cream, and let nature take it's course. In a few minutes, you will be sucking liquified corn flakes out of the shaver.
Do you feel me, family?