Hey, honey. Sorry we have to go through this. Nobody ever expects this to happen. It's just one big mess, the lawyers, the emotions, the kids. (You can keep the kids by the way.)
But let's face it. We'll remain friends after this. There's no bitter feelings or tension. And I love you always, just like I vowed in church during our wedding.
Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about our wedding. It was the greatest day of our lives. You looked like the most beautiful girl in the world, and you still are (although that accident sure did a number on your face and those Mexicans sure did a number on your ass). We never thought back on July 21st, 2007 that we would ever become divorced. We were in young, blissful love, and nothing could stop us from being together.
But things happen and here we are.
I just wanted you to know I'll always be here for you. Well not you specifically. Your vagina. If you ever want your vagina to come over to my bachelor pad, feel free. "The Chad Shack" is open 24 hours a day, 6 days a week (Sunday's the day of the Lord). I just got a new massaging bed and 400 candles so the ladies will be in and out and I'll be in and out of them.
Remember, I'm not divorcing your vagina. I'm just divorcing your unaccepting weird mom, your dumb ditzy friends, your newfound belly, etc.
But your vagina can come over any time. I will get down on one knee and propose to your vagina. It would be the perfect marriage, me and your hoo–hoo.
I'd take your vagina out to expensive candlelight dinners, I'd buy your vagina diamond jewelry, I'd walk with your vagina on the beach under the moonlight, the waves crashing romantically into the shore, I'd tell your vagina "I LOVE YOU BABY YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME."