Here are the ten things I've learned regarding Arizona's new anti-immigration law:
More white people are kidnapped from Arizona than are kidnapped from the rest of the world. Apparently, living in Arizona is like visiting Columbia. Except every day, and you know, in English.
The United States can sue one of its states if the federal government is unhappy with the way that state is conducting business. Which begs the question: The United States Government is happy with the way Texas conducts business? Wow.
Many people are boycotting Arizona products in an effort to teach Arizonans that they are racist pricks. In a related story, Los Angeles gets more than ten percent of its electricity from the State of Arizona. It is very true that I know of no way to boycott ten percent of a utility. I went to a public school for chrissakes.
Apparently, the new anti-immigration law gives all Arizona citizens the right to beat the ever-loving crap out of any dark skinned person who does not, after being politely asked to do so, sing the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
In West Philadelphia, born and raised/ On the playground was where I spent most of my days…
Arizona's governor is a woman. Women are honorary minorities because most of them don't do anything important. Even though they make up more than fifty percent of the state, and even though women are working at a steadily increasing rate, they still don't like Mexicans. Personally, I blame all the Tijuana donkey shows. You really wanta gross out a woman, you take her to a Tijuana donkey show.
Apparently, the current administration does not favor the immigration law changes because, and I quote, "Fresh Prince of Bel Air was really kind of silly."
Hillary Clinton was polite enough to let the world know that the country would be suing Arizona before the lawsuit was actually filed, which is interesting because the country's citizens never knew what was in the last seven bills passed into law until after the laws passed. A spokesman for Obama Care later added, "Fuck you. Why you want to know what your leaders are up to? Just eat the fucking Big Mac and drive the SUV you goddamn sheep."
In Boston, the minority governor of Arizona will soon be getting yelled at by a bunch of protestors that represent a group that represents minorities who all feel that under no circumstances should anyone ever have to watch any part of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
According to the Washington Post, several other states are considering drafting similar anti-immigration laws that are more likely to hinge on some of the classic television shows of our times, "like The Simpsons or Law and Order or something."
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Dan Haren has publicly stated that he would like to be traded to a city that "doesn't place so much emphasis on 90s television theme songs" and to a team that could, "you know, possibly score me a fucking run or two."
Will Smith could not be reached for comment.