Today's Survey
Finish What You Started
My ex was …
a purebred German shepherd. But ohhh, that tongue!
My Family is …
lucky I let them keep my last name.
Maybe I should …
refrain from swallowing this shard of broken glass. Nah.
I love …
to make people laugh, even if it’s against their will…..at gunpoint.
I don't understand …
Swahili, quantum physics, or how American Idol is so goddamn popular.
My favorite color is …
too-much-grape-drink-shit green
I lost my…
zest for life, but found my Zest bar soap, so I pretty much broke even.
Walking on ….
fetishists’ genitals with my high heels put me through college.
I want to …
talk about getting laid all the time and have that become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
People would say that I'm …
happily. At least that’s how Chinese immigrants describe me.
Love is …
terrible indigestion. I find Pepto Bismol makes love go away the quickest.
Somewhere, someone is …
masturbating. (I’ll give you a hint. It’s me.)
I will always …
remind people of the most embarrassing thing they’ve ever done in the most inappropriate setting possible: board meetings, weddings, Presidential inaugurations, stuff like that.
Forever is …
the lower bound of my sexual stamina.
I never want to …
find out that people knew from word of mouth that I was lying about the last one.
I think the current President is …
going to bring the ‘nucular’ holocaust to ‘Amurrica’.
When I wake up in the morning I …
have to wait for my boner to subside so I can piss. Either that, or I do a handstand by the toilet.
Life is full of …
mostly futile attempts to acquire as much cash as possible, so you can subsequently retire and die. And also, lollipop kisses.
My past is incredibly . . .
viscous. And in case you’re wondering, I have no idea what viscous actually means.
I get annoyed when …
people use ellipses gratuitously…
Parties are for…
temporary dismissal of dignity.
I wish …
I was a little bit taller-a, wish I was a baller-a…
My dog is …
able to lick his hairy penis.
My cat …
is tired of being the focus of millions of pussy jokes. So, to teach him a lesson, I FUCKED HIM.
Kisses are the worst when …
you can taste her open canker sores.
Tomorrow I'm going to …
call a dermatologist about this persistent itchiness. I hope I’m not being too rash.
I really want …
my cunt to feel better. (That was actually in the bulletin from which I copied this. Honestly, it would be arrogant of me to think I could come up with anything funnier.)
I have low tolerance for people who …
have black skin. Fuckin’ chimney sweeps and coal miners.
If I had a million dollars …
I’d put it on red. Then there’d be a 47% chance that I’d have TWO million dollars.
Guys are …
physically superior, emotionally inferior, and sexually convex.
Girls are …
the generous bearers of tittays.
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1) Be a hot chick.
2) Flatter me by telling me how irresistably hilarious I am, or
3) Request to be my friend. (Although the first two can't hurt.)
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