Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously inserting jokes like a spike through a holy hand.
It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you'll learn why God loves banks more than he loves you.
So Now we're in a Recession
All of the leading US economic indicators have been screaming recession like a Carolina stripper screaming rape at a Duke lacrosse team party, the dollar's been falling really fast exactly like something that falls really fast, unemployment claims keep getting worse, housing starts are ridiculously low and all manufacturers all across this great nation are showing reduced output and now, just now, we can get more than half of analysts to agree that we're in a recession. Well, halle-fucking-luiah, Happy Easter and how's the temperature in reality fellas? Welcome to the real world where we already knew this.
Oh, and Henry Paulson, some senator who probably doesn't even know that Google is a search engine and not a word meant to describe staring at women for too long, has stated that it doesn't matter if we label this particular period as a recession or not. What matters is what we do about it. And what we're doing about it is apparently giving away money.
Bernanke Opens Safe, Finds All Your Money
In addition to slashing interest rates another 75 basis points, causing zero reduction in mortgage loan rates and credit card rates but making it easier for banks to get shit done, Ben Bernanke also utilized some little known Fed trick that hadn't been used since the Great Depression (my grandpa's joke: what was so great about it?). Now, because all of these banks screwed up at their job, which was to obtain and retain money, they are able to borrow directly from the Federal government in order to avoid completely and totally going belly up, thus making competition among banks a thing of the super-distant past and decreasing the value of your hard-earned dollar which no one in America really cares about because you're not a bank. You dumbass. I totally told you to be a bank. If you were a bank, you could buy Bear Stearns.
Bear Stearns Goes Under in Bear Market, Crickets Chirp
Bear Stearns, some brokerage clearing house, stock option kind of place, which had been around for over eighty years, saw its stock drop from $70 a share to $2 a share over the course of two weeks. Apparently, they suck at investing lately, which is a shame because now they're dead.
The Fed agreed to allow JP Morgan to purchase Bear Stearns for less than a billion dollars, which is ironic because apparently their headquarters building alone is worth more than 1.5 billion but whatever. Times are tough all over. What makes this sale annoying and asinine though is that JP Morgan is buying Bear Stearns with guaranteed money from the Federal Reserve (i.e. your money) so you now own a little bit of Bear Stearns. You'll never actually see a profit from your purchase, but it must be nice to know you played a part.
Initially Publicly Powerful
In the good news department, Visa is up more than forty percent from its offering after issuing the largest IPO in the history of eyeing pee. This is the kind of stock you can buy and hold for three to ten years without even thinking about. Visa is everywhere you want to be and now they're on the market which, thanks to Bernanke's creativity, is again the place to be.
Stocks Rebound, Commodities Fall, Bernanke Rises from the Dead
Thanks to all Bernanke's foreplay with the banks, for the first time in a long time, commodity prices free fell. Wheat and corn actually fell the maximum they are allowed to on the Chicago Board of Trade, which got me thinking, could I put a maximum allowable price rise on the menus of America? That'd be cool.
Also, stocks rose in higher volume (the amount of people buying and selling) which is a huge sign. If that happens a couple more days in a row, we may be seeing the first signs that we're inching out of the recession we just allowed ourselves to be in. Say what you will about this country, but at least we're the last ones to know what we're doing. Which explains our last four wars.
Yahoo Loves You Baby, Would Never Lie
Microsoft's aggressive courting of Yahoo has caused Yahoo to estimate earnings for the next two years way the hell above the estimated earnings of analysts all across the world, which is to say that Yahoo is trying to reassure its current shareholders that it does not need Microsoft's loving. In a related story, I am estimating my next two years earnings at four point seven million. What? You don't believe me? Fuck you then. I'm getting in my fifteen year old car and driving myself out of here.
Before I leave though, can I bum ten bucks?
Come on, man. Times are tough all over.
New Innovations Steal your Soul
Thanks to privacy laws that don't allow people to see their medical records and a push to make medical records available online, some web specialists foresee a new period of identity theft stemming from online health records which is good news for you if you have AIDS because no one will want your identity. Finally, some good news for people with AIDS. I'll bet they needed that.
Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”
Aaaaa–Coach John Wooden
Labels: investing