It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe I'll teach you a word or two. That never hurts.
Five Minute Recess 
Now, let's kick this off by addressing the thousand pound gorilla in the American living room. Everyone wants to know if the US is in a recession, but the truth is, that is not an easy question to answer. You see, some people define recessions by successive quarters of declining gross domestic product. I don't go by that because I have no idea what those words mean, and recession has to be easier than that to define (it's not that complex a word, after all). Still other people determine whether or not we're in a recession by the rates at which wages increase or decrease. Some market analysts take into consideration the jobless claim rate. Still other market analysts state that a combination of dollar valuation, jobless rates and market index behavior all dictate whether or not we're in a recession. But really, it is much easier to figure out than all of that. Basically, if all these analysts are arguing about which theory to apply to determining a state of recession, then we're in one. If not, there wouldn't be anything to argue about, now would there?
Now that you know we're in a recession, you probably want to know how to survive in it. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you'd rather just smoke more pot. That's fine, stoner. See if I care (Nate's note: I don't care).
Bernanke Makes Market his Bitch
This week, Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Ben Bernanke basically told the world that economic growth would continue to slow and would likely worsen, that there are no more plans to cut interest rates until March meetings at the earliest and that any attempts of stock rallying would get pushed down by his meaty little sausage hands.
When asked to comment, Bernanke said, “What the fuck is wrong with my hands, asshole?”
As a result of Bernanke's comments, the market cried like a little girl who just lost a Barbie Doll and then fell a few hundred points or so. Warren Buffet, one of the world's most successful investors, didn't flinch.
Buffet Fails to Take Over More of the World 
Warren Bufffet's uber-company, Berkshire Hathaway, which specializes in buying other companies, making a shitload of cash and never splitting its stock, recently tried to buy the rights to insure $800 billion in non-sub-prime-mortgage-backed bonds from three fledgling banks, which quickly figured out that though, by accepting Buffet's offer, they would have more capital to offset issues with insuring their crap mortgage-backed securities, they still would only be left with crap mortgage-backed securities to insure.
A spokesman for one of the shit banks, Ambac, said, “Slick bastard almost tricked us. Sometimes I wonder if he's even human.”
Say what you will about Buffet being an evil conspirator with the central banks of the world, but at least the guy knows that you gotta kick them when they're down.
I'm in Murders and Executions
Okay, this is a little fucked up right here: Microsoft wants to buy Yahoo so it can compete with Google in online text-advertising except market analysts don't think that the companies would merge well and that even if they did so seamlessly, they would still lose out big time in the online text ad sector, which really wasn't even a sector until Google came along.
Well, Yahoo decided that Microsoft was icky and tried to team up with News Corp but News Corp's not man enough to make a complete merger and is seen by most of the market as a douche partner picked solely for rebound purposes. Getting over Microsoft can be tough for anyone.
Still, other analysts say that the merger would be worth it because Yahoo/News Corp or Yahoo/Microsoft would solidify themselves as leaders in the online display ad market, which Google sucks at because the government hasn't let it buy any online display ad companies, almost all of which are in the process of being purchased by some internet giant. On a related note, I own an online display ad company that I'm considering selling. You listening, Google? It's a great company. I call it: Buy Me You Rich Bastards (ticker symbol: Rip).
Squiggly Lines Say Recession May End, Call you Fat
Okay, so there's this thing called the 2-year treasury note and this other thing called the 10-year treasury note and when the difference in their yields gets really far apart and makes a big loop near the top of some chart, that means we're approaching the worst of the economy and then after that the market gets like all better or something. I'm not much of a chartist, but if you believe the squiggly lines, things are gonna suck ass until about June or so. Then everything will be awesome until we get a new President, because new Presidents are all stupid the first year. It's a rule. Like gravity.
The Market has Personality, Goes a Long Way 
A company called ABB grew revenue 50% above forecasts, increased 300% in net profitability and still watched its shares fall 4% because their CEO quit the day before quarterly reports were released. Which means that the market is more prone to studying the behaviors of squirrelly executives than the lies they release each quarter as fact.
Diageo, the world's largest producer of alcoholic beverages, saw shares rise .6% when everyone learned how fucked the economy was and headed straight for the Jack Daniels. According to market analysts, most of these drunks are ex-mortgage brokers.
Take Advantage of the Suffering
In markets like this, where frills are few and far between for the average consumer and inflation is rising quicker than my dick in a strip club, we must take into consideration what is booming. Currently, all commodities are doing quite well because no one trusts the stock market, so the wise investor is actually investing in the value of these commodities, which, considering how the price of said commodities are increasing on the market, may be the only way that investors can actually afford to pay for staples like corn, oil, gas and soybeans at their grocery stores and gas stations. At any rate, the commodities market is booming, which means it's a bubble, which means it will burst, which means you may want to take a value based strategy this quarter. Which means? something about deals or something.
Invest in your Rulers
Now is a great time to get into financial companies because they are all suffering because of mortgage backed securities (Goldman Sachs is an exception here). Banks own the world and are more powerful than entire nuclear-weapon-toting countries, which means that their stock prices will return. Now's the time. Believe me. I have a blog.
New Age Innovations better than New Age Music
According to some study I was too lazy to research, pepper may help with skin cancer. So, invest in pepper companies and if this turns out to be untrue, you'll probably still be invested in pepper companies, which go great with salt companies and pork bellies.
Shit You Should have Invested in Last Week
Activision, the makers of Guitar Hero, had a kickass quarter and made their investors a lot of money. I'll bet you're kicking yourself for not investing in them, seeing as how you see that damn game everywhere. Dumbass. 
Also, some company called First Solar kicked ass to the tune of thirty percent last week. Alternative energy companies were the largest growing sector of 2007, which proves that fear of American dependence on oil will soon be replaced by fear of American dependence on solar power. I, for one, am thinking of buying a piece of the motherfuckung sun.
Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
“The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides never decides.”
Aaaaa?Henry Amiel
Labels: investing