As some of you may know, hurricane season starts June 1st and meteorologists are predicting at least sixteen named storms, six or seven of which may hit land. Now, part of the charm of meteorologists is that they’re always wrong. But predicting the future ain’t easy, so I can empathize. And, to show that I understand just how difficult it can be to predict the future, I am now going to show you what I think each storm will do based solely on their NOAA approved, 2006 hurricane season names.
Alberto
I love the ethnic hurricane names. Really, they’re the best. I wish we could have a hurricane season with only ethnic names. We could call it, “The Year the Mexicans Actually Cost us Money.” At any rate, Alberto ain’t gonna get north of the Dominican Republic. He’s just not a big fan of all them gringos.
Beryl
What the hell kind of name is Beryl? Seriously, I refuse to believe that’s even a real name. Beryl sounds like the kind of hurricane that’ll get lost somewhere around Mexico and ruin a vacation for a couple of old people from Minnesota who were dumb enough to take the discounted summer trip to Cabo San Lucas.
Chris
How cool is this? I know like fifty guys named Chris. I hope this hurricane does a tremendous amount of damage and ravages entire swaths of land (Yes! First time ever writing the word, swath—you just witnessed history) so that all the guys named Chris can strut around like proud papas. In reality, I’ll bet this one shoots up the Atlantic and causes a little rain in Boston or something.
Debby
Who names these hurricanes? That is not how you spell, Debbie. Anyway, based on this stupid name, I’ll bet this hurricane will do something dumb like come within fifty miles of New Orleans, causing President Bush to turn on a TV and almost make a decision, before taking a nap and remembering that no one in New Orleans is really rich. So there’s nothing to do, anyway.
Ernesto
Everyone I know named Ernesto lives in Miami. Hurricane Ernesto won’t go north of Daytona, just like most of the Cubans I know who live down there.
Florence
The obligatory old person name. Gotta have at least one every hurricane season. I hope old Flo arrives during the middle of a red tide. I never get tired of hurricane related menstruation jokes. In reality though, this old girl ain’t getting north of Cuba.
Gordon
Another old person name. I’ll bet Gordon makes it halfway to Miami, gets confused and shoots up north near New York because, as old Gordo will say, “Florida is just too hot in the summer.”
Helene
This is an ancient Greek name that means torch. This hurricane is gonna seriously fuck some town up. Some names you can just tell.
Isaac
And after Helene destroys some coastal city, Isaac will follow suit. Beware the hurricane names with biblical origins. Just trust me on this. They don’t mess around.
Joyce
Joyce is an old woman who gets you coffee and openly inquires why you’re not married yet. This hurricane won’t do a thing to America. Though, my intuition is telling me that Belize may not like Joyce. I wish I knew why.
Kirk
Between Kirk Cameron and Captain Kirk, I think it’s safe to say that this hurricane won’t do anything productive or cause damage anywhere in America. And here’s the thing: if Hurricane Kirk does hit land, we are gonna hear so many Star Trek related jokes we’re gonna wish we died in the hurricane. I mean, the geeks are gonna come out of their parents’ houses for this one. Trust me on that.
Leslie
This hurricane is hitting Texas. Hard. Don’t ask me how I know this. My genius is not to be questioned.
Michael
Another common name. I hope Michael rips a path across central Florida, again, just because it’s real cool when a person has the same name as very destructive hurricane. Although, usually the common names (with the exception of Andrew), just shoot out into the Atlantic and die over the ocean. Sa la vie and all that.
Nadine
This hurricane is hitting land. I ain’t never met a Nadine who wasn’t a raging bitch on wheels (also, every Nadine I've known has had really toned legs, for whatever reason). Seriously, look for some bad happenings from Nadine. I can feel this with every fiber of my being (at last count, I had 17,342 fibers, so this feels kind of funky).
Oscar
I don’t think this one will get past the Dominican Republic. I mean, Oscar is kind of a wussy name, but I do know this: if Hurricane Oscar hits Hollywood, Florida, every news anchor in this state will have a bad joke for us. Man, I am not looking forward to that.
Patty
This thing will barely become a named storm and at the worst will cause heavy rains in Pensacola. Patties are usually lame.
Rafael
I’ve never known anyone named Rafael, so all I have to go with is a steroid using ballplayer and a Ninja Turtle. You know what? I just don’t know. I just can’t tell with this one. Just ‘cause I have to predict something, I’ll bet it hits Ft. Meyers (it’s not a hurricane season until Fort Meyers gets nailed in the fall—happens every year).
Sandy
God, I can already hear the variations of the bad joke: “Well, Sandy is more windy and rainy than she is sandy, eh weather man?” This thing won’t hit land, but it will get big and it will be monitored closely by the southern part of the state of Florida.
Tony
This one’s hitting Texas. I’m telling you, no state’s too big for Tony. He’s your stereotypical Italian American, and southern culture confuses him. Oh yeah, he’s going for Galveston with a vengeance (there’s a movie title waiting to happen).
Valerie
You think whoever named these hurricanes was a fan of “The Hogan Family”? I mean, a Sandy and a Valerie in the same hurricane season? Just seems strange. Anyway, this one gets The Netherlands Antilles.
William
Again, because this storm has a common name, it probably won’t do much damage. Nevertheless though, I think this will be the last one in the year to hit land, probably in the southern part of Florida on the Gulf Coast side (the Naples area).
All of these predictions are based on nothing. I have no idea what I’m doing and am not to be taken seriously (why do I feel like you know this already?).