I used to think it was important to have a nemesis. You know, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That was until I earned a true arch enemy.
You might be thinking, "Well KC worked as a journalist, bouncer and a internationally-known humor columnist. It's bound that he has thousands, nay, millions of people who want to crush his greatness." That may be true, but this particular person is the Dark Side to my Force, the Cobra to my G.I. Joe, the Ali to my Foreman, the chaffed hand to my raw penis.
And no, it's not Andrei Trostel. Yes, my long-haired PIC rival may have learned everything he knows about women from watching Lifetime movies and reading CosmoGirl!, while I gleaned everything I know about women from Hustler and old truckers, but Andrei is beyond this enemy's realm.
It could be my old best elementary-to-high-school friend who literally sold me out for a pack of smokes or another piece of shit former best bud who lied to me. But still, not even close.
In fact, the bane of my existence is not even a man. Yet, surprise, surprise, it's not an ex-girlfriend. She's worse. (I know, it's barely fathomable, but she is.)
I've been beaten, broken up with, cheated on, nearly arrested, driven to drink, almost shot, stabbed and plenty of other things on account of women. But only one of the fairer sex has gone above and beyond the call of duty to give me an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, and a deep hatred for femalekind.
It's not Nancy Pelosi, Oprah, Lindsay Lohan (who's actually really nice in person) or Ellen Degeneres. She's not even old enough to watch PG-13 movies.
Her name is Dooly, and she's been my student for seven months now. She weighs in at only about 60 pounds (about 27 kilograms), but she's knocked my self esteem out cold.
(Dooly, the true face of terror, evil and really really mean insults.)
Upon seeing her, you're instantly charmed by her handle of English, incredibly cutesy face, curly hair (a true rarity to non-old ladies in Korea) and bubbly personality.
But when you're the man who gives out homework and tests, you feel the wrath of an entire generation of pissed-off women on their periods. And Hell hath no fury like a tween girl's wrath for homework on a weekend.
Here are a few samples of our conversations:
DOOLY: Your face is so red and wrinkly. It looks like an ajuma (old lady) eating raw hamburger.
KC: Any more questions?
DOOLY: Yes. Why were you born?
KC: So you would meet me and fall in love with me.
DOOLY: Arrrrrgh! I hate you!!!
KC: And that's how all great relationships start.
DOOLY: Why are Americans so fat?
KC: We're not all fat. That's a lie.
DOOLY: But you are fat. Why?
KC: I'm not, um, remember KC Teacher's Rule 3, BE NICE!
DOOLY: We are in Korea. I don't have to follow American rules.
KC: Not all Americans are fat. Is Robot Teacher fat?
DOOLY: No, but he is half Korean.
KC: How about Daniel Teacher?
DOOLY: His face is too small for his head.
KC: Okay, what about Twilight? Uh, Team Edward.
DOOLY: The Robert Pattinson is English and you are #@*$&#@! I hate you.
KC: What are you girls talking about?
DOOLY: When I am 20, my parents are getting me plastic surgery.
KC: Okay, Dooly, you're 12. Don't worry about plastic surgery.
DOOLY: I don't want to be ugly any more.
KC: You're not ugly. None of you girls are ugly.
DOOLY: You are ugly. And you should know ugly when you see ugly.
KC: What's so ugly about me?
DOOLY: You look like the pink monkey.
KC: You are not an easy girl to be nice to.
KC: Look, you're far too young to think about getting nose jobs. Look at me, my nose is perfect.
DOOLY: Yes, but it's connected to your face. And that's ugly.
KC: What about my chin?
DOOLY: Handsome chin, but on your face it looks like a seeing Kim Tae-Yung (a member of the incredibly popular Korean pop girls group Girls' Generation) in a McDonalds. Something pretty doesn't belong there.
KC: (Deep frustrated breath) And my eyes?
DOOLY: Your eyes are pretty. Take those scissors and cut them out for me.
KC: Anything else you'd like to add?
DOOLY: KC Teacher, you've got a nice nose, long curly eyebrows (eyelashes), big green eyes, and a good chin. But all of them put together make you look ugly.
There you go. If I ever get arrested for murder, it will likely be Dooly. And if I purposely starve myself to death because of a trauma-induced eating disorder, it will likely be her fault too. And if in a few years I end up with more plastic surgery than that dumb girl from The Hills, blame Dooly for ruining my once-decent self esteem.
Girls, you just can't beat them. Legally.