My dear Mom bought me a turtleneck for Christmas, God bless her heart. When I opened it, I gave her a questioning eye (I cock my eyebrow). She said: "Oh you like turtlenecks! And it will keep your neck warm."
It's true. Turtlenecks make your neck all toasty. But I've always been on the Mitch Hedberg line of thinking: "Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."
I hate turtlenecks. For some reason, my Mom forgot how many times we fought when she tried to make me wear one. Which makes me wonder, why the hell did she want me to wear a turtleneck anyway? Was she trying to get me to become a spy? A poet? A future S&M weirdo? Some dick who wears turtlenecks?
I practiced Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for years, so I'm used to being choked, strangled and garroted. Therefore, I should be able to handle a tight-collared shirt. Anyway, since it's a month after Christmas, I thought I'd try it on. Maybe I wouldn't hate turtlenecks any more. Maybe they'll be my new look. Maybe I'll buy a beret and put my NYU English degree to work by writing poems.
(This is how you use your B.A. from NYU)
I thought I'd write about it, and take a few photos for my loving fans. I own one of those supertechnological cameras with a ten-second timer on it. So you can take a photo of yourself without reaching your arm really far out.
As you can see from the first photo, I couldn't make it the whole ten seconds without pulling the fucking turtleneck off.
And here is the second pic, where I "grinned" and beared it for about ten seconds. I found that if I set the timer and then put the shirt on, I could make it the ten seconds. But that's about it.
So, if anybody wants a brand new turtleneck, worn for about nineteen seconds, give me a ring.