"Wine was invented by the Romans. For orgies. And orgies are no fun when no-one wants to do with you." -Dr. Steve Brule "For Your Health"
So Valentine's Day is coming up, and if you're unlike Nathan "Nate" DeGraaf and actually want to have a girlfriend on February 15th, you'll probably want to do something romantic. And nothing says "old fashioned romance" like taking love advice from a half monkey like me.
I don't know shit about chocolates and flowers. But I do know something about that shiny, red love juice: wine. What to choose though?
The whole point of buying wine is to impress your date or your hostess. So try to think like a girl. First, find your longest screwdriver, stuff it up your right nostril until your brain itches, jiggle the screwdriver as hard as you can, repeat on the other side. Now you're in the feminine mindset.
It used to be standard that only the French, homeless people and pussy dudes drank wine. But now that the hippies took over, guys are supposed to know shit about fermented grape juice. Get ready for your lesson…
Step One: Bullshit
So you bought white zin. She wanted something red. Your penis is in trouble of being untouched. Now it's time to prove to her that you can not only benchpress more, but are also more intelligent. The trick to outsmarting a girl is to A) Lie B) Tell her she's wrong C) Include a celebrity in your fib D) Talk about love. As she pouts about your shitty wine selection just make shit up and say, "Oh, well, these are actually naturally albino red grapes. Which gives it a slightly aromatic flavor. I thought an expert in wine like you would have known that. I heard Brad Pitt drinks it before he makes sweet love to somebody." Use lots of air quotes. That will make you seem like a genius and incredibly classy.
Step Two: Size Matters
If the wine event is going to suck, bring a small .750 liter bottle. If there are going to be sluts there, bring a giant box of Franzia—it's not America's favorite wine without a reason. Skanks love Franzia almost as much as my dogs like tennis balls covered in peanut butter and bacon. Or, if your date says, "Let's watch some ‘Gossip Girl/Grey's Anatomy' and split a bottle of wine." Here's where you need to buy a 10-liter jug of Carlo Rossi. Hey, you'll split it together, and maybe hold each other's hair as you both barf out food you ate last decade.
(The smiling old guy means it's good)
Step Three: Taste Doesn't Matter
Show up to the party late. Or give you date a bunch of shots. But try to prime the alcohol pump before opening your cheap but pricey-appearing wine. This way, when people guzzle your shit, their drunk dumbass selves think it's a lot better than it really is. Remember: alcohol makes everything better—even other alcohol. It's the same way with your penis.
Step Four: Don't Listen to Assholes
When you go to the liquor store, don't listen to the advice people. They're stupid. They'll try to get you to spend, like, seven bucks for a Merlot. Seven bucks buys a lot of 40s. In order to regain the Manpoints you lost because you drank wine, you'll need to imbibe in at least two Colt 45s for every bottle of wine.
Step Five: Hope She Doesn't Know Anything About Wine
Like I've said before, women are sneaky. Sometimes they know shit. Sometimes they don't. If they find out you're a cheap asshole looking for some easy play, pretend your brother picked out the wine. Or the shopping bags were switched. "Oh no baby! I picked out this great Pinot Chardonnay from the Chicken Cordon Bleu Vineyards in Eurasia. It was a, hmm, yes, a 1989 I believe. A fine vintage. And the year the Twins won an awesome World Series. But some cheap piece of shit must have taken the wine—that I personally picked out for your beautiful self—as I helped an elderly minority orphaned deaf bunny cross the railroad tracks."
Step Six (The Most Important Factoid Ever): Judge a Bottle By Its Cover
You're going to a lame party, entertaining a ladyfriend or picking up a gift. Buy the most expensive-looking bottle in your price range which should be about four bucks (because fuck people who like wine).
A: Girls like colors, so find a bottle that's blue or anything besides the usual green.
B: Look at the name on the label. What's the name imply? Barefoot may make you think of the beach, but chicks might think of homeless people. Crane Lake may inspire you to imagine awesome stuff like getting drunk and fishing, but girls will think of geese pooping. Yellow Tail makes me think of having sexual relations with Asian girls—which is awesome. But girls might think of sushi, which is cool too and good for you. What you need to do is find words that girls adore. Love, fashion, shopping, pink, celebrities, bunnies, Robert Pattinson are all good ones. Soul sucking is another.
C: Buy a printer, make your own labels and stick them over the cheapest bottle you can find. Draw a rose and name your vineyard: "Happy Penguins BFF With Twilight In Pink." Hell, you don't even need to buy new bottles. Just refill the old bottle with lighter fluid and red food coloring. As long as you have that label, you'll be getting laid like the old Tiger Woods.
Step Seven: Give Up
Honestly, do you really want to date somebody who likes wine? Tell her to bring the fucking crap if she wants it so bad. If she still won't blow you without being intoxicated: buy yourself some delicious Keystone Light and for her some Welch's Grape Juice and vodka. Hey, there's booze and aborted raisins in there. It's just like wine.
Extra Tips: Cry and hold each other. Tattoo your names with "4 Ever" on each other's necks—because love-fueled tattoos last forever and you'll want everybody to see your permanent affection. Wear condoms on your awesome romantic wine-fueled night, because babies suck. Instead of going out to eat, go to Target and start shopping for Easter candy—which is far superior to Valentine's Day candy.
And remember, you're the best!!!