Check out the peanut butter on my face.

In order to get the art for "Tawkin' To My Bitchez" I needed to get my roommate's two dogs in frame at the same time for a split second. But if you've ever met a canine before, you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to get them to do anything on command. Especially sit still for a snapsnot. Luckily my camera sports a reliable ten-second timer.

So I devised a James Bond-esque plan.

I put a swab of peanut butter on each of my cheeks (on my face) and set the timer. Then I sat back. Neither dog did anything. So I tried again. This time one dog was in frame smelling the chunky Skippy while the other barked. Fail.

In the next shot both dogs' noses were on my cheeks, but I was blinking and looked fat. I figured now they've smelled the gooey peanut goodness, now they'll want to lick it off my face. The next photo they tongued each other's noses and blocked off my face. After that one Tookie's (the black one) knocked my camera off the stand with her mutant tail.

Again and again something screwed up. So I just yelled, "TREAT!" They responded by stepping on my balls just long enough to be in a photo. Just for luck, I set the timer for one last time.

Right after the girls stepped on my balls.

And then I heard the door open.

You have no idea how hard it is to explain yourself to your roommate when you're holding your injured balls in one hand and an open jar of peanut butter in the other while a camera flashes as the two dogs just look confused as why so much Jif is stuck to their mouths.

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