I usually don't like to take requests when I'm writing, but my Mom really liked this and said, "That's very creative. You should put that in your blog." Since I've been trying to write something she would actually read, here's the email I sent to my parents. And, you know, it was already written, so "Yay!" Less work for me.
Hey Mom, Dad, Medium Bot and Little Bot (KC's pet names for his brothers).
If you want to come to Korea, I decided to jot a couple of things down about my new sort-of home country: Korea, the Land of the Morning Calm or Dynamic Korea—depends on who you talk to.
1. Quite a few people speak English, so you probably won't need to learn any Korean. But if you can manage "hello" and "thank you" you'll be pretty well off.
2. People will sometimes not glance at you, even if you're standing right in front of you. Sometimes they'll just stare at you like you're a green martian person.
3. Everybody will probably think you only eat at McDonald's, and point you towards the nearest Golden Arches.
4. Kimchi is the national food out here. It's a side dish made of spicy red pepper sauce and cabbage. You might like it, you might not. Either or, Koreans believe kimchi keeps you healthy. Actually, they believe every type of Korean food is good for something: fevers, colds, depression, hangovers, etc.
5. Lots of words get mispronounced. Your names might be butchered. You'll survive. My name is usually "Kay-she."
6. Probably one of the most important things. When Koreans meet you they'll ask your name, how old you are, if you're married. If you're married, they'll ask if you have kids and how many. If you're not, they'll ask "why not?" Then they might ask your blood type—which is kind of like their horoscope.
7. They'll ask where you're from, and then pretend they know where that is. I usually just say New York City. It saves some time for me.
8. There are usually public bathrooms all over the place. They may not be pristine, but they're there. Sometimes they don't have toilet paper, so keep some Kleenex in your backpack or pockets.
9. Unfortunately, you're going to get pushed around. Koreans aren't being rude, they're just in a hurry. Try your best not to get offended or angry. I try, but some days it's really, really annoying. Attempt to let it slide.
10. Don't worry about getting hurt by a Korean, they're fairly nonviolent—except with each other and even then that's really rare.
(KC eats some ddokboki. Rice cakes in spicy stuff.)
11. There's a lot of spicy food here. I'll try to point you to the nonspicy side.
12. Often some Koreans will stare into your eyes because they've rarely seen blue, green, gray eyes. etc.
13. There's a lot of rice and kimchi here.
14. Sometimes you'll notice food at restaurants is sort of on the expensive side, but remember, you don't tip, so you'll generally come out ahead.
15. There aren't public garbage cans except in subway stops. So you can either carry your garbage around or put it somewhere obvious. There are cleaning people that clean up everything all the time.
(KC and Jack after a soccer game.)
16. Wear comfortable shoes.
17. Bring deodorant if you use it. Koreans don't, but for some reason they don't stink. It's weird.
18. Koreans are kind of cold up front, but very warm when you get to know them. They think Americans are really cool.
19. You'll see a lot of old people around. Remember, there's not a Miami-style retirement community. All the old geezers just stay here.
20. Tattoos and facial hair will get you some stares. So Mom, cover up your sailor tattoos. Usually, just gangsters and stupid kids have tattoos. It's not offensive to most people, you'll just be pegged as a gangster. Luckily, mine don't show.
21. My schoolkids will tell me to my face how old, wrinkled and fat I am. They're very honest, even though their idea of somebody overweight is somebody who weighs more than 125 pounds.
22. They use meters and kilograms.
23. Everybody uses their cell phone everywhere. Phones even work on the subway.
24. Oh, also should have been in the top 3, but watch out for buses when you cross the street and mopeds when you're on the sidewalk. Both of them are likely driven by crazy people.
25. Riding the bus is an experience. Try to get a seat Mom. Medium Bot, I hope your surfing legs are healthy, because you WILL be thrown around. Bus drivers are crazy people. They get paid by going really fast and making all the stops on time. So they speed and break a lot of laws.
26. Also, taxi drivers will scare the crap out of you.
27. People will bump into you. They're not being jerks, that's just the way it's done.
28. Wear comfortable shoes, you'll be walking a lot.
29. People do drink quite a bit out here. You'll mostly see drunk businessmen. Usually they stick to themselves, but sometimes they want to drink with "cool Americans." They're harmless.
30. Music is usually really loud in some places.
31. People eat really loudly. Try to ignore it. Different cultures and stuff.
32. Restaurateurs will often give you "service" which just means "free stuff." Usually it can be a soup or something special they made since you're an American.
33. Koreans love baseball.
34. Koreans hate water. Not really, but they don't give you a lot of it at restaurants.
35. You'll see folks wearing dust masks. There is pollution out here. I don't wear one, but if your allergies kick in, you can buy a mask almost anywhere for about a buck. The Mongolian Yellow Dust is out here in full effect.
36. Korean TV is really weird. Lots of weird variety shows.
37. There are quite a few American channels with American shows. But you didn't fly across the world to watch the same shows you can watch at home?
38. Koreans sleep very little. However, they'll sleep in public places, trains, benches, cars, buses, schools, etc.
39. You'll see a lot of t-shirts with nonsensical English, or straight out weird phrases. I've seen my students wear shirts that say, "I Heart Black People" and the "F" word. I've seen a classy-looking mother of two walking her children around on a Sunday with a shirt that says, "Wanna Make Out?" It's weird.
40. Don't worry about pickpockets. I've yet to hear of one.
41. Some children will swear in English, mostly because they think it's funny. Try not to laugh.
42. Bring your sunglasses. Koreans don't really wear sunglasses. Some old ladies wear these visor things that cover their whole faces, but those are ridiculous. Mostly, sunglasses are worn for show: i.e.: they wear them at night. I know, I didn't invent the fashion.
43. "One Plus One" means "buy one get one free."
44. Streetlights are more of a suggestion than a law. Cars will always run lights, so watch out. However, Koreans rarely jaywalk.
45. That's all I've got for now!