I, Roxanne Proxita Beatrice Lopatka Hamm, being of sound enough mind and half-way decent body, am writing my last will and testament. I denounce all previously-made wills and testaments including the one I wrote in the third grade that said I wanted to leave my brother Jonathan “all my boogers because he is one.” It is of my last wishes that my sister Jessica be the executor of this will because we both know that our mother will be too busy yelling at me for being belligerent, anti-social, and quitting the softball team to be bothered with any wishes concerning the funeral or the disposition of my property.
Jessica, I want you to make sure that I am cremated instead of buried. There is no point in wasting tasty preservatives on the dead. You can throw my ashes off the tower of the Merom Conference Center, or you can have my ashes pressed into a diamond and make me into the creepy, family heirloom that nobody wants.
I leave everything to myself. Should myself predecease I, I leave everything to me. In the event that both myself and me predecease I, I leave everything for you guys to fight over.
Signed,
Roxy and Two witnesses.
Labels: predeceasing myself