Dear Female Population
Fuck the “walk of shame”.
Between you and me, every time I hear the phrase, I want to punch something in the face. It just screams disrespect for the sexual revolution. Did we not just come to the conclusion that we could enjoy sex a la carte like the boys do? Doesn’t it seem a little backwards to refer to the walk home from a night sex as a walk of shame? We should stand tall and walk (limp) with pride as we go outside to face the world. If we continue on our journey home looking down on ourselves, then it is only right for the world to look down on us.
Let’s be smart about this. If we picked out our lover for the evening while sober, we probably wouldn’t have much to be shameful about. Notice I said “for the evening”. Don’t go out for sex to pick-up a new boyfriend. Don’t go out looking for a husband either. (If you want one of those, go to some gala event, the opera, e-Harmony, or wherever those boys congregate.) If out for sex, pick some one on the basis of your libido or their reputation for satisfying people! Either way, you win. Don’t be ashamed if they are not at the top of their class or if they listen to crappy music. You’re not using them for their brain, and you don’t want their opinion on anything but you. You are using them sex. Don’t worry about using them. Even the nice ones are using you for sex, so it’s a fair exchange.
After you’ve done whatever you wanted to do (and after you have awakened), get up and go to your car/bus stop. You should even stop for breakfast at a fast-food joint. Just keep your hair messy, you make-up in streaks, and the heel of your shoe broken. It’s alright to search the floor for your clothes. You only meant to get laid, not arrested. However, to solve the common predicament of lost clothing, we should have t-shirts and panties in our purses. Hell, we should get t-shirts that say “I got some last night” on the front, and “Yes, it was good” on the back. How awesome would that be to walk through town with a limp, streaky make-up, matted hair, and that t-shirt? Everyone would know you got some, and it was so damn good that you don’t even care what everyone else thinks.
Your Sister in Arms,
Roxy
P.S. A mini notice to the guys,
I know some of you are going to mad about the sober part. “How are some of us going to get laid if they are sober?” Maybe some of you need to be more concerned with part where I told them to pick. For those of you who need not be concerned with that part, think of all the money you’ll save by buying non-alcoholic drinks at the bar (that means more beer money for you). I’m not telling them to not get drunk. I’m saying they should figure out who wins the prize that night before the liquor is inserted. Besides, wouldn’t you like to actually remember how the sex was for once? I hear it can be quiet the experience when you’re not having problems due to drunkenness.