A wise man once said, "Baseball is a lot like life: it's slow, complex, boring at times… and if you're not paying attention, you'll probably get hit in the head."
We have come to that time of the year when we begin saying our goodbyes to major league baseball. Eight teams are left as we begin the post season, which works because odd numbers always require a bye week and that kind of thing just doesn't fly in the MLB (motto: We were here First, NFL!).
As we wind into the baseball playoffs, we must take a moment to remember that baseball is a quirky game in which the reasons for wins and losses are not always clear. Now, I will defend most sabremetric freaks to the death when it comes to the value of statistics to determine the proper players to get a team to the post season, but as for predicting what said teams will do when they get there? You'd have better luck picking some random, non-sport related reason and riding that out than you would applying personal stats from the previous — and all but forgotten — regular season to a small sample size of adrenalin-filled games. That is why, when we preview the playoffs, we use methods that are a little more irregular and odd than they are proven and capable. We deal from the gut, we swing for the fences and we leave the linear thinking to those guys in the suits up in the luxury suites.
In short, we think about each team as if they were a female stereotype.
That's right, party people. It's time for your sexy MLB preview.
Milwaukee Brewers versus Philadelphia Phillies
In the past ten years, the Milwaukee Brewers have sucked in almost every conceivable fashion; they've choked away so many regular seasons it's a wonder they still found the time to suck. But suck they did.
Also, a few years ago, the people of Milwaukee were denied one of the coolest baseball traditions ever when Bernie the Brewer's giant mug of beer (the mascot would slide into a giant mug of beer after ever Brewer's homerun) was removed in an effort to keep the underage people of Milwaukee from drinking, which is a little like removing bikini models from billboards to keep people from having sex, i.e., freaking dumb.
And then there's this: for whatever reason, the Brewers have now taken to pulling out their shirts when they know that they've just won a game. What kind of champions, outside of female soccer players, take off their shirts to symbolize victory?
If the Milwaukee Brewers were a chick, they'd be that obnoxious, fat girl who just lost a hundred pounds on crash diets and excessive crystal meth consumption. She may look better than she used to, but she's still a scary bitch.
And the Phillies aren't much better. I mean, once again they squeaked into the post-season because the New York Mets managed to bring the suck like it's a paying gig. If the Phillies were a lady, they'd be that average to attractive aggressive chick who spends the night with your sister in order to bang you on your mom's coffee table back in high school.
Advantage: Phillies.
Los Angeles Dodgers versus Chicago Cubs
If these two teams were chicks, they'd be way more alike than they know. Basically, Los Angeles is that real crazy bitch who was physically out of the league of most of her boyfriends because the attractive sane ones wouldn't touch her nutty ass with a ten-foot long stop-stick. The addition of Manny Ramirez was the equivalent of the crazy chick finding a good shrink and figuring out how to keep from mentioning her father every three minutes. Sure it helps, but it ain't enough.
Now the Cubs are one of the most enjoyable types of women in America. You see, the Cubs are the 32 year old divorcee who was part of a miserable marriage that never produced any children nor purchased any pets. She spent the last three years dieting, exercising, getting a little work done at the plastic surgeon's place and dedicating serious time to getting better in bed. She's ready. In fact, few chicks have ever been as ready as Ms. Chicago is right now.
Advantage: Cubs.
Boston Red Sox versus Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim)
In terms of female analogies, these two teams are almost polar opposites. The LA Angels (of Anaheim) are like a really beautiful, vapid chick. You know who I'm talking about? The chick is smoking hot, young and understands all the intricacies of modeling, wet T-shirt contests and riding a stripper pole, yet the complex mysteries of concepts like Algebra and Reading leave her baffled. The Angels are the sexy choice.
But you see, the Red Sox are that one chick you banged back in college? You know, the chick who wore the military style shorts and horn-rimmed glasses? She had her hair pulled back all the time and she didn't really tan or even wear makeup all that often. She wasn't all that great in bed but when you finished the sex, you had laugh-filled conversations sprinkled with witticisms, entendres and all that intellectual human interaction stuff.
And the thing is, as much as you'd rather spend a great Friday night with blue-eyed and vapid, you somehow never lose old horn-rimmed's phone number.
Weird how the mind works.
Slight advantage: Red Sox.
Chicago White Sox versus Tampa Bay Rays
This one's interesting, but not near as close as the other American League match up. You see the White Sox are the equivalent of a crazy Colombian broad. She works too hard, she screws too well, she fights over every little thing and in the end, she really just wants to be dominated by a father figure. She's basically asking for it, in so much as that is possible.
But the Rays… well, the Rays are that television fantasy. They are the horn-rimmed glasses wearing, brainiac chick with the great personality who gets one makeover and somehow turns into a super-hot, utterly and ridiculously banagable walking wet dream.
Advantage: Rays.
A not so wise man once said that baseball is a lot like girls: It's complex, frustrating, slow at times and if you're not doing what you're supposed to… well, you end up eating a lot of grass.
Play ball, party people. The playoffs are here.