*There are certain topics in the world of college humor that must be told and re-told. Take the current front page article for Points In Case, case in point. The basic how to hit on women piece. It is our generation's nude, pudgy woman renaissance painting: re-done over and over, but each expressing that individual flair. I now am ready to accept that challenge*
Women. It's what you're thinking about right now, isn't it. That's natural. They're beautiful creatures who make your penis tingle. The problem is that they have free will… I mean complex personalities that you will come to love if you devote the time to embrace them.
Dating. Is how you get women.
Or Alcohol. But really, you need to focus on your dating. And by dating I mean laying it down. And by laying it down I mean conversing with women in a manner that exudes in precarious juxtaposition your respectful admiration of her character and prurient interest in bruising her labia.
Or Alcohol.
But therein lies the rub. How does one finesse this paradox of duality, impressing her with your most soulmate-ish of gentlemanness while still rubbing against her with your boner? Simple. Follow these tips, and even your mother would be wooed. There's a reason Oedipal starts with a Big O.
Make Contact
Hot girls are everywhere, but you first have to make contact. But with today's world that could mean anything. A wink across the room, a Facebook friend request, grabbing a booby or three. Analyze your surroundings, act according to appropriate social norms, and then get your icebreaker ready. Here are some good starters.
– At a dance club, rub your crotch on her ass. Afterwards tell her she's a good “dancer.” Ya'll should go “dance” at your place. God damn girl, I want to fucking “dance” you until your “feet” are all red. You must use air-quotes during all of this.
– Walk up to your target and flex your left arm. Inform her that she will never get to see the right one. Ever.
– Just say Hi and ask her name. When she asks yours, respond “Oh, about this big” with hands about 8 inches apart. When she gets annoyed, tell her you're just kidding. “It's about this big!” with hands now at 10 -12 range.
– Offer to refill her keg cup. Return and chug it in her face. Repeat.
– “Hey, you look really familiar! Have we met at some VIP room or back of Will Ferrel's limo or something? No? Must have been someone else. ‘Cause I was definitely there.”
– Pull out the board game Icebreaker… it's fucking irresistable.
– If you are rejected or ignored at any point, pull out a pre-written check for $100,000 and start tearing it up while sighing, “Damn inherited fortune keeps turning the women away.”
Make Plans
Once you've got her digits… mailed to her parents house, you can pretty much ask for anything you want. But what are you going to do about this other chick that you're interested in? What's an outing that's fun, unique, and cost-effective. Besides Making-outing.
– When arranging the date, mention that you'd just like to have a casual and fun night on the town. Show up in formal wear and take her to the fanciest restaurant. Apologize for her constantly.
– Women love spontanaeity. Pull out a gun.
– Set up a date, but then call to cancel half an hour before hand. “The Office, you know?” Five minutes late call back saying, “My bad, I don't have a job!” That's five minutes of her not thinking she's hot shit.
– When the check arrives, yell “Aww fuck that!” If she pays, she's a keeper. If she wants to ditch with you, you could probably hit that on the way home… depending on the traffic.
– Tell her you “Plan” on sleeping with her later.
– If it's a chilly night, offer her your coat, but make her exchange her panties.
– “Oh you like Family Guy, you should come over and watch that with me some time!” Start putting the condom on now.
– If she asks what you do, say you work at a mattress factory testing the spring recoil. When she starts to laugh, make a stone face and ask what's so funny. After a pause, say you're just kidding.*
*Rig pants like David Blaine or something to undo themselves as you talk.*
Make Love
You're not out of the hole yet… you just got in there. Your etiquette, and possibly your recharge rate, from here on out determines whether you will be able to “hit it” again.
– Ask her if it's okay to turn out the lights. Leave.
– After really going at it, pull out, put your clothes back on, kiss her forehead and say “Amazing… No, no. SHHHHH Shh shh. Amazing.”
– Whisper things in her ear like “I'm writing a novel,” or “You should see my photography,” or “I really am pounding you, huh?”
– “Look at me. I want to make eye contact the entire time, okay?”
– “I just want you to know… I'm a squirter.”